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A woman is keen to start working again now that her kids had grown up. She had taken a break of 10 years from work and is all set to enter the corporate life once again.
She wants to get her physical done before she applies for a job. So she goes and gets her physical done. When she returns home from the doctor's, her husband notices she is in an excellent mood.
So he asks her, says; "What are you so cheerful about?"
She replies, "The doc told me I have the body of a 20 year old and the heart of a teenager."
The husband jokes,"Did he say anything about your fifty year old arse?"
She snaps back, "No, he never mentioned you!"
Метки: doctor english humor jokes woman
The History teacher had just finished a chapter on World War I.
She asked the class, "How many of you are against war?"
A number of hands shot up. The teacher said, "Ok, Little Johnny, you tell us, why are you not in favor of war?"
"I hate war, miss." Little Johnny said, "That's because wars end up making history, and history is my least favorite subject."
Метки: english history jokes teacher war
As the waitress entered the bar, the bartender demanded, "Why are you late?"
The waitress explained,"It was terrible. I was crossing the road, when I witnessed a dreadful accident. A guy was hit by a speeding car and he was lying there on the street, with his hands and skull fractured. he was a bloody mess. Thank God I had taken that first-aid course."
The bartender asked, "How did you handle it?"
She replied, "I sat on the ground and put my head between my knees so I would not faint!"
Метки: accident bartender jokes waitress english humor
Adam returned home late at night, and entered the front door with staggering feet. As soon as he saw his wife Stella, he ordered her to come with him upstairs as he wanted a screw immediately.
"What the hell Adam," said Stella, "How many have you had tonight?"
"Just the one." Adam replied in a slurred voice.
Stella said, "I can tell by your eyes that you've had more than one."
"Ok, two." Adam said, "But I didn't cum with the last one."
Метки: jokes night wife
The manager of a garden centre overhears one of his nurseryman talking to a customer. ‘No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,’ says the nurseryman. ‘And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.’
The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,’ he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D’you understand?’
The nurseryman nods.
‘So what did he want?’ asks the manager.
‘Rain,’ replies the nurseryman.
Метки: customer jokes manager nurseryman rain
Little Sonia was looking intently at her mother.
Mother: “What’s the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Sonia: “Some of your hair are white mom.”
Mother: “That’s right. Whenever you make a mischief, one of my hairs turns white. That’s how some have become white.”
Sonia was thoughtful: “Are all of grandma’s hair white due to the same reason?”
Метки: Метки hair humor jokes mischief white
English........... I Love You
Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German.......... lch Liebe Dich
Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian............. Ti Amo
Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig
Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish.............. Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian....... Une Te Dua
Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian... Se Ret Lay
Persian....... Du Stet Daram
Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok
Catalan...... Testimo Molt
Redneck .... Nice Tits
Метки: humor jokes love valentine's day
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "
I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.
And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
Метки: english growing up jokes
My grandpa was an English professor, and he would often help students by writing little notes on their essays.
Grandpa used to work late, and his handwriting would deteriorate as the hours passed by.
One day, a student approached him after class with an essay that had been returned. "Mr. Asher," he said, "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."
Grandpa took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It mentions that you should write more legibly."
Метки: english essay handwriting jokes legible professor
A lazy manager of a firm in his forties was advised by his doctor to play some sport, preferably tennis for some exercise. So he took up tennis. A month later his secretary asked: “Well sir, how is it going?”
Manager: "I am doing fine. On the court when I see a ball coming to me at speed, my brain instantly reacts and says: ‘To the net or smash or take the corner’ like that. I don’t believe it. "
Secretary: “Then what happens?”
Manager: “Then my body reacts and says ‘Who? Me? You must be joking.”
Метки: english jokes lazy manager sport tennis