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Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
ћетки: discoveries english jokes английский
A desperate pilot contacts tower to say, "I am in a situation - 400 miles from land, 500 feet over water and fast running out of fuel. Please give instructions! "
Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'
ћетки: english jokes pilot trouble английский
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
ћетки: english pastor restaurant английский
In you are in the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In you are in Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In you are in Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In you are in France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In you are in Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.
ћетки: english jokes law английский
* If the students say good morning back, they are Freshmen.
* If the students put their newspapers down and open their books, they are Sophomores.
* If they look up so they can see the professor over the tops of the newspapers, they are Juniors.
* If they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they are Seniors.
* If they write it down, they are Graduate students.
ћетки: english professor students английский
A deluxe cruise liner was sinking. The captain had to persuade the passengers of every country very tactfully to jump into the sea.
He told the American, "You'll be a Hero if you jump into the sea."
He told the English, "a gentleman would certainly jump into the sea."
He told the German, "It's a rule to jump into the sea in such conditions."
He told the Italian, "Women will admire you if you jump into the sea."
He told the French, "Do not jump into the sea."
He told the Japanese, "Look, every passenger is jumping into the sea."
ћетки: english английский английский ’арьков jump into the sea
Agusto, a Mexican bandit robbed a bank. As he was trying to escape with the booty, the sheriff and his deputy chased him and tracked him down in the woods.
Agusto was handcuffed, and the sheriff, who didn't know Spanish, asked him where he had hidden the loot.
"No se nada," he replied.
The sheriff put a gun to Agusto's head, turned to his deputy who could speak Spanish as well as English, and said, "Tell him that if he doesn't disclose where the money is right now, I'll blow his head to smithereens."
On receiving the translation in Spanish, Agusto got excited and started talking. "Ya me acuerdo! Tienen que caminar tres cuadradas hasta ese gran arbol. Debajo del arbol, alli esta el dinero."
The sheriff asked the deputy, "What's he saying?"
The deputy replied, "He says he wants to die like a man."
ћетки: english Mexican bandit английский английский ’арьков
Lance, the lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Vinnie, the witness: Not yet.
ћетки: english английский lawyer jokes
The French philosopher Jules Henri Poincaré was relaxing in a cafe when he a waitress approached him and asked, "Can I get you something, Monsieur Poincaré?"
Poincaré replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
The waitress returned after a few minutes and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Poincaré, we are all out of cream - how about with no milk?"
ћетки: english no cream английский английский ’арьков
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ћетки: английский английский ’арьков мафи€ игра мафи€