another friday night... used to mean so much... about half a year ago weekend was the only time when I could be with Tim... started to count the days on sundays and by thursdays was shaking with excitement, craving for the next night to finally come... and then i was happy.
now weekends mean nothing... neither the weekdays... it's all gone.. we just meet occasionally, and if the circumstances are right, i get a few hours of love... and then the cold mornings, emptiness, friendship... as if nothing happened the night before... but what is nothing for him is everything for me.

well... what can i write? things happened... life is kind of unpredictable... tim doesn't know what he wants... im not sure anymore either... but whatever is going on between us is weird... it shouldn't be this way... or maybe it should... i don't know.

I'm CoNfuSeD

i have to confess, cannot keep it inside any longer... last night i had sex with someone, who's name cannot be mentioned due to my paranoid way of thinking... yep... it was weird... but i had a nice time and gained my confidence back!!! on the emotional level i am confused, have no idea what am i supposed to feel... cuz i love Tim, and eventhough we are not together, i still feel like i cheated on him, or did something wrong... but then again, Tim is not an angel... he had sex already too... aaaaaaaaaaaa... i just feel so weird right now... and paranoid... but in a way sort of relaxed... ???... fuck it. GUILTY!!!!!!!!

time to behave like an adult... ending our friendship was a mistake, but at least i had some time alone to think things over... i need him in my life... as a friend... it's still hard to believe that "us" doesn't exist anymore and there is no future, but i cannot just erase him out of my life like he never existed... eventually i'll get over him... but it will take more time if i don't see him at all... it would kill me... i miss him so much...
just don't know how to tell him... he's scared of my histerical break outs and might think that i want to be his friend for different reasons... well, i just miss him, that's all.
and no matter how devastating it is i accept the fact that our relationship is over... forever.

im torturing myself... listening to Jessica Simpson all day...

"...When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
To get over the feeling of knowing a dream
Didn’t turn out right
When you let me believe
That you weren't complete without me by your side
How could I know?
That you would go, that you would run
Baby I thought you were the one...

Your lips, your face, something that time just can't erase
My heart could break all over again..."

yeah, i know... should delete it, destroy it, throw it out
and burn it to ashes...

3 weeks since we broke up łłł
for a week i have no idea what's going on in his life ł
in a few hours im gonna go out and pretend to feel good
how pathetic...

"...You and me
i can see us dying...are we?..."

it's raining again... i like it... was standing outside for an hour... and as the rain drops mixed up with tears i hoped that the rain would wash off all the pain and memories... but nothing changed... i can still see his smile... hear his voice and all the things he said... i don't believe it anymore... ,,,Pretty Lies,,,
nothing more.
if i can't love him, i don't want to love anybody at all...

>

Love can be as light as the kiss of a butterfly or as deep as the cut of a razor...

i've been out for the last few nights, drinking, having "fun"... but there wasn't a minute when i didn't think about him... why can't i just accept it and forget? it seems impossible at the moment... my life is a mess.

i am a pathetic loser... talked to him for the last time ever... we're not gonna be friends anymore... i can't do it... that was it, end of story.

wish i would never wake up...
cuz mornings bring reality
and reality brings pAiN,,,

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,kill my memory.. wipe away my tears ----}
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, make me smile again...-----}
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, can you do that? ,,,,,,,,,,,-----}

Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim miss*you Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim *why Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim *did Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim *you Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim *leave Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim *me? Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim *i love you*

... since we broke up i cant sleep, but when i do, i have nightmares... for 10 nights now.. all about him... but i still want those dreams because i can feel him...
i see him in the day world too... but his not my Tim... he's somebody else... cold and ignorant... and i am invisible for him... we are strangers now. but in my dreams he shows emotions, he still loves me... and that's the only thing that matters... i dont even mind waking up in tears...

it's weird to fake happiness in front of him... pretending that im ok... almost every day i go to help him out with his Hostel, spend all evening there, imitating good mood... cuz that's what he wants to see... that's what all of them want to see... but i think somewhere deep inside Tim suspects that i am not ok... he just doesn't know how bad it is... im dying inside.

last night was bad, but today i feel even worse...as if i just realised that he's gone and won't come back... it hurts so much... i wish i could forget him, like he never existed... erase every memory, every moment we had... throw it out of my mind... i dont want to love ever again... dont want to feel anything.

why everyone thinks that im ok??? im not ok at all... just tried to kill myself... swallowed a few dozen psycho pills i have, took a razor blade and went to the bridge with a bottle of wine... you know just in case... well... nothing happened... im alive... wish i wasnt... but i am.
anyway, the morals out of it?
1. alcohol and psychotic pills dont work together...
2. never go to a bridge where the police might show up and ruin your plans...

*also while i was drinking and cutting, i realised that nobody loves me here, but even worse, nobody needs me! if i would've died none of my friends in this country would've noticed... life sux...

ps: fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!