I love beginnings. Of everything... It's like the beginning of spring, after a long, dark and cold winter... all of a sudden its warmer, you are happier, sunny days are longer and longer... The whole world, it seems, is smiling.

So, yes, there is a beginning... Not sure how to define it, and I won't try....yet.

Yes, again. I seem to never write here when I am in a good mood.

Actually, it happens to be a really depressing material for re-reading. THere are no good news in any of my posts.

But there are good, wonderful things in my life. I just take them for granted.

I love my friends and i love my family. You are everything to me. You are the reason I live and breathe in this world. Without you - I do not exist. Without you - i would be a shell of person, devout of any feelings of happiness or hope.
again, thank you. i will never tire of thanking you for existing.

I...
live...

I guess I am a girl of contrasts...
On one side, I enjoy dressing up and going out, dancing with a martini in hand. But on the other, I'm kind of a tomboy. I like driving fast and making donuts in the snow...snowboarding and technology...

Is that why i'm so messed up?

Should I just be like some of my girl friends? Pretend to be Helpless and Weak? Be humble and quiet? Not carry my own snowboard?!?

Isn't that boring?

I mean, if I CAN, why won't I do something?!? WHy should I limit myself just because i'm a girl?!?

...на самолете. хочу улететь далеко или близко, в жару или холод - все равно куда!

не могу долго сидеть на одном месте.....а тут что-то уже давно сижу.

очень хочу в brasil (sao paolo, rio), argentina (buenos aires), uruguay (montevideo), germany (munich), i v volgograd :)

It is the best credit card company. You ask for something - and it happens. You don't agree with a charge? They will credit it to your account immediately. You lost your card? They will overnight you a new card.

<3

Pushnoy.ru - WGAME (no text, only emotions)

http://www.pushnoy.ru/mp3/2003-2004/Pushnoy-ru_Wgame.mp3

Смотрю у меня в новых мылах одно мне от меня.... странные вещи я себе шлю... как это вообще понимать?

http://auto.mail.ru/text.html?id=24076

В Денвере мне очень понравилось. В-общем отдохнула... С самого начала приболела, с температурои - но все равно и гуляла и пила как надо. 8-)
познакомилась с интересними людьми... повидалась со всеми с кем раньше работала - все предлогали переехать обратно и пойти к ним работать...
Было весело даже с грустной погодой!

nu vot u menya tak vsegda poluchaestsya... vnachale hotela zbejat' is denvera kak mojno bistree a teper' ne mogu dojdatsya kogda nado budet ehat' v aeroport! samolet v Denver v 7.50 vechera... a seychas tol'ko 9 utra.
Ya deistvitel'no skuchayu i po gorodu, i po lyudyam.
ya boyus' chto zahochu ostat'sya - no mne kajetsya eto ne vozmojno

ugh

Nu chestno - mne nadoelo rabotat'. Ya s 14 let rabotayu bes osobih pererivov. Zadrali - vse i vsya.
Hochu spat'. Mne nadoelo prosipatsya paru chasov do togo kak prosipaetsya moi mozg.
Hochu begat' v parke posredine dnya, kogda eshe svetit dnevnoye solnishko.
i ya bol'she ne hochu prihodit' domoy kogda ushe selo solnce.

i voobshe - ya opyat' hochu uchitsya. kogda uchishsya est' hotya-bi kakaya to illuzia celi, chto vot zakonchish i jizn' tvoya uladitsya i vse budet prosto klass. a kogda ne uchishsya, a sidish zadolbannoy na rabote s utra do vechera - net nadejd..isparilis' vse

В моей жизни появился человек которому можно доверить все секреты. Он умеет слушать. Я с ним могу быть кем угодно - ребенком, взрослым, клоуном. А главное, я могу быть собой. Я счаслива находясь в его компании. Я давно не была счаслива!

Настроение сейчас - на 7ом небе
В колонках играет - europa plus

so it has been 2 months since the move to the east coast... yea it sucks that i don't live in ny...but at least i work here :)

i love new york.

i am happy to be back.

live and learn.... live and learn...

So... It's been about a week and a half since I've moved out. For the first 3 days (ok 5), I was freaking out. I went back home to get more of my things and cried. I keep telling myself to be strong, but sometimes I just want to drop everything and run to mommy. I know I need to be an adult about this. For once in my life, I think I am finally doing something for me. I am the one solely responsible for my decision to leave and i need to be okay with it.

I will be okay.

Right now - I'm scared. I am terrified that whatever I wish to happen - won't. I don't want things to "not work out" even though everyone is telling me - "you'll be fine". Who the hell knows if I'll be fine? Whatever. I guess one can only hope.

I am split between decisions... Some days I think I want to move back to New York. That is absolutely my most favorite place. It holds everything I consider important and special. But other days, I want to make my life work out here. I think in part this is because I can't accept failiure, but also because I think I've grown to like Denver just enough to want find out more about it.
.....AND.... I have not told my family... I am a COWARD. I just need to face up to my mistakes and need to come out and say everything outloud.

I FUCKED UP. I FUCKED UP 6 YEARS OF MY DAMN LIFE. I AM NOT SURE I HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW FOR IT OTHER THEN EMOTIONAL SCARS.


....and now i cry


....again

В колонках играет - lounge...

It absolutely pisses me off when people say VelentiMes day
It's the name Valentine '(apostrophe) s cuz it's HIS DAY... ugh, get it right people.

so...i'm not staying home tonite.. correction - it's probably no longer my home. he refused to keep the dog even for a couple of days until i get everything figured out. i think he expected me to break down and ask for forgiveness so i could stay - but i didnt. i held myself up until the moment i said "i'm kicked out" outloud. It funny, because i made everything unbearable on purpose, so this time i'm not the one trying to leave. i've was successful at making myself so undesirable, where he was forced to get mad.. The scary part - it was all too easy. Whatever - it's been a couple of hours - i'm better. i'm staying with my friend. she was kind enough to let my dog stay too; otherwise i have no idea what i would have done. I don't have family or a lot of friends here... the only friends i do have -have husbands and children and would be too busy to even pick up the phone to hear me cry. again - whatever...

Why do I trouble myself with analyzing everything that anyone says or does? The whole talking in analogies is gettin old too... I'm glad that i'm not alone in that though, but this has really got to stop. I need to be able to say things as are withough talking in circles around what i'm trying to say.

On a different note - I'm tired. Of course mentally, but also physically... I think lately, work physically exausts me. I came home today and just fell asleep. Like I'm some old lady and I need a NAP!!! I wanted to do something today - go out or whatever, but I am just toooooo OLD! :)

i'm rambling again... lately there is just too much of that... or safe to say - there's too much bullshit.

I think I want to adopt a child. Not NOW. In the future. I never understood how one could love an adopted child as their own, as if it was their own. I know this is going to sound stupid, but getting a dog made me change that mindset... I love my dog, and obviously it did not come from my womb, i love it as if it were my own. I cannot even imagine how much that feeling escalates when it's about a human child. I think its amazing that people that barely have anything, adopt and give someone else a chance at life... Even if it's not the best chance in the world, its the best in the situation, and it's the best the adopted children may ever see. I hope, in the future, I will get that chance someday...

What makes people choose to cheat? Why isnt anyone just satisfied with what they have? Life always has to have problems - the further u go, the more complicated they are. It's total bullshit trying to just live a simple carefree life..It does not exist.

Understanding that a chapter in your life is over both terrifies me and drops a huge weight off my shoulders.

I envy people who can go to sleep at night with just letting everything go; closing their eyes; and just sleeping...

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Для меня NY значит многое. Самое главное - семья. У меня там все.
Потом - друзья. Их там все меньше и меньше, но зато они самые лучшие.
Сам город - он в моих снах, мечтах. Если есть сводное время и деньги, то я сразу там.
Магазины - которые на удивление никогда не меняются. Всегда можно расчитывать что найдешь то что ищешь.
Колличество людей - их настолько много, они все разные... Зато всегда замечательное чувство когда в такой толпе находишь знакомое, близкое к тебе лицо........
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Вот такая кроха появилась на свет прошлой ночью...
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он приезжал в гости...
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Наконец-то комната покрашена, вобщем-то результатом довольна!

... iskala stariy email (na samom dele fotku iz emaila), tak po doroge prochitala parochku starih emailov, posmotrela starie fotki so shkoli, starih druzey. Vdrug poyavilos' sil'noye jelaniye vsem pozvonit', vseh uvidit'. Mnogih ya videla chut' men'she goda nazad - na svoem dne rojdeniya, no mne kajetsya eto bilo tak davno. Inogda kajetsya chto ya vseh starih druzey postepenno zabivayu, ili oni zabivayut menya. Kajdiy god krug znakomih uvelichevayetsya, a druzey umen'shaetsya. Luchshe esli-bi naobarot!