"А там, на страницах дневника, мы остались лучшими друзьями, которые сидят у Лени в гостях и счастливо смеются, играя в карты."
Вот так просто, одной фразой Даша вернула мой дневник к жизни. Теперь он в чёрт знает какой раз изменится, здесь по-русски, потому что чувствую, что уже не хватает мне моего английского словарного запаса, и там, на Блогспоте, уже начатый, для мыслей на буржуйском, когда приспичит.
Перечитывала эту фразу раз пять. Аж дрожь внутри от неё. И как же двусмысленно теперь звучит название этого поста - "Конец. Даже немного грустно".
Даже.
И если я не буду писать, это потеряется, это забудется и никогда не вспомнится, и я не смогу сравнить себя с прошлой мной и понять, такой ли я хотела стать. Вот что ж я творю-то.
Много раз уже возвращалась к этим размышлениям, но как-то всё не на бумаге. Тысячные почему и из-за чего/кого. Я очень надеюсь, что мои выводы исходят не из попытки обелить себя, а из логических рассуждений. И ещё больше я надеюсь, что они хотя бы частично верны.
По-моему, перелом случился где-то два года назад. Хотя, нет, не так, это у меня случился где-то два года назад, наверное, у всех нас в разное время. Мне кажется, это наступило время меняться, что было, в общем-то правильно, уже давно пора было начинать взрослеть. (Только вот странно, почему у людей, столько времени проводящих вместе, выросших вместе, представления о собственных идеалах и средствах их достижения оказались такими разными?) И мы начали. Начали меняться, попутно удивляясь и негодуя, а почему другой меня не поддерживает, не стремится к тому, чего добиваюсь я, да и вообще всё делает "не так". И никто не научил принимать чужие мнения или хотя бы просто позволять им быть. Плюс ещё чисто моя ошибка - требовать от дружбы пищи для развития. Не искать, а именно требовать.
"Да, какая-то привязанность осталась...", и вот прямо не знаешь, что с ней делать, дохлая лошадка она или нет, пристрелить или спасти...Тупик.

Никогда больше не требовать.

Bad, bad girl, I agree, I completely forgot about my diary. The fact is I'm not satisfied with myself again, so many plans, so many ideas and nothing has been done. 

But I won't give up, i just can't. CAN'T. So...

Thank you for polite people, for postcrossing, for Tessa and Ajna, for good marks, for a luck, for splendid dreams, for the Lipton ad with Pierce Brosnan, for Hugh Jackman in ProjectorparisHiton (Oh my Gosh, he's too perfect to be real), for David Tennant, Casanova and leather, for Antonio Banderas in ProjectorParisHilton, for Hallelujah, for solving problems and feeling very independent, for chemistry, for the beautiful name of Caribbean singer - Alicia Alonso (ALONSO! OH MY GOD, DOCTOR, IS THAT YOU?), for increasing amout of Doctor Who fans, for "Real steel" and "Midnight in Paris", for Vincent van Gogh and for "Doctor Who" in general (if I didn't like this serie, I wouldn't know what to write in my composition), for bright colors of autumn leaves and for moist air.

Guess what? Yeeeeeah, that's my the very first postcard that I recieved today evening!!11 Who is the happiest person on this planet? :D Sure I am!

I should say, I fall in love with this postcard at first words: "Firstly I wanted to say that I love Doctor Who as well!" Julia, you're wonderful! :D

I can't stop smiling :D

When I wrote my school project about swing I had no thought that in several months I would be mad about it. Once again I regret being born in 1990s. 
Just...just listen.

 Can't believe it!!! My very first postcard to Slovenia finally arrived! Ooooh, if you only knew, how I'm happy now!

And he said that my card is nice ^.^ Ohmygod, now I will recieve a postcard from someone! Yay!

 Till the very end I couldn't believe it. Nine long months I have to spend with people I hate. I spend only ten minutes alone with my classmates and, you know, it was more then enough to realize how much I hate them. 

But despite this...

Thank you for sunny morning, for seamed tights, for confidence, for damn 10 cm, for red rose, for half-forgotten faces, for listening to swing instead of stupid songs about school, for an encounter, for skirt instead of trousers, for walking long distances, for  "Sherlock - John" text messages, for keeping a room in a good order, for a leisurely stroll, for an unexpected finding (The BBC series. In a supermarket. In Russian supermarket. The world gone mad.), for mister Bean, for ohmygodpleasedon'tcryI'mgonnadiefromheartattack   Michael Fassbender, for an inappropiate laughing, for returning home late at evening, for hugs and for talking before bedtime.

Empty road behind the window. So quiet, so peaceful. There are plenty of photoalbums on the table, so many faces. They are so happy, I wish I was just one of these faces on the photo. Forever happy.
Oh, it makes me so sentimental... But, you know, I regret nothing. It was wonderful. Summer was wonderful.

Thank you for everything.

 And I'm totally swept away with this photo *.*

Ain't these guys cute? :D

Yeeeeaaah! That's clever, that's fucking clever! Ohhh, I knew that, I felt that! Amazing! Brilliant! Yes, it all became clear with the very first faint Doctor's smile! Ooooh, God, YES!

River, you're fucking GORGEOUS!

Maybe I have a weird taste in music, but as for me, it is the sexiest music ever. Benny Benassi and their kind, eat your heart out.

This is a copy of a post I wrote yesterday. Damn Li.ru has not saved it.

I wonder why Google translator don't know the word "Unexpectable". I just wanted to check if I wrote it correctly or not.

I have enough strengh only to write a short note about the film I've just watched. I'm dead tired, only Bowie in my playlist keeps me awake. Oh, God, my head, it's feeling like it is going to blow up T_T But i can't leave it for tomorrow because I'm afraid I will forget everything. I'm not even sure that I remember it all now. Well, I'll try. So...

The Satisfaction.

First of all this is my first time I've seen a serious work of Yevgeni Grishkovetz, and, you know, I loved it. I love such films where the  the action is not the most important thing, seeing how people open their souls can be much more interesting. I don't really think that Alexander wanted exactly the satisfaction of his honor, he just needed to figure out why is this all happening to him. Hope he did.

Two men getting drunk and trying to understand themselves. Isn't is exciting?

I wonder why Google translator don't know the word "Unexpectable"? I just wanted to check if I wrote it correctly or not.

I have enough strengh only for a little note about the film I've just seen. I'm dead tired (only David Bowie keeps me awake) but I'm afraid that if I go to sleep now I'll forget everything. I'm not even sure that I remember it all now.

Ok, I'll try.

Satisfaction.

I've seen it by accident, it just was on TV. Well, I liked it. Actually, it's very strange decision - to make a film instead of perfomance. I reckon that it takes more dynamics to be a film. But it doesn't mean that I count that film boring, no, I watched it in one breath. I'm always was interested about how other people see the world, their life, people around them and other stuff. Especially when they are men, they are drunk, and their intimate conversation is kind of satisfaction.

Btw, did you noticed, Wallander? This song "The life on Mars" - it's all about us? 

 Thank you for the liking, that is very kind of you :)

Oh, I would like to get such a kissogram. Who wouldn't, i wonder :D

And a very cute dialog:

Watson loves the Doctor Who, i knew it! :D

Daniel F. Gerhartz "The dawn of hope"

Sometimes it seems to me that all my life devided in two parts: with Alex and without. And now it's like I returned back to my previous life without him, it's like i've done step back, lost something very important. But thanks God I've learnt my lesson. If will learn how to be alone, I will be able to love with true love. And - "Don't be afraid a life will end, be afraid it will never begin". Don't throw away close people anymore. Don't escape from the future. Admit it. Face it.

Thank you for the end of a long wait, for a nice fandom stuff, for the secrets of the city, for a new experience, for the strength to admit my mistakes, for "never more", for long conversations about everything, again and again for understanding without words (How does it happens? Really, i wonder, how? I haven't even finished my phrase, but you've already understood what i'm talking about! I just said smth like "Firstly you keep silence for a long time and trying not to notice and then you realize you don't care anymore. Remember how..." and you finished it! You easily could think about something else, my phrase wasn't clear enough to understand it, but you've done it! How?! ),  for a places we've never been, for probably the only one lane in our city, for a very good acoustics in a house (while we were sitting in the street we were able to hear somebody was cutting a cabbage at their home), for the luck (we explored such deserted streets so many times, everything could happend to us, but we're still safe and sound), for the realization that everyone who we see in the remote corners of the city don't even know about the existance of a little street near to our home, for abandoned hospital (my mom told me that it used to be the third City Hospital), for the monument dedicated to mother, for the old signboards, for a very odd swing (i wouldn't dare to try it on), for funny graffiti (btw there is the same one in another place) for amazing photos of the sunsets (I have strong desire to experiment with them in PS), for funny foreign languages (Кав'ярня, Kaninhen, Papagei, Kakerlake...And what is a baby in Ukrainian again?), for being dead tired but very happy in the same time.

Oh, yes, and for Ванильный гопник. It's untranslatable, i think. Oooooh, he looked so sad and so funny at the same time, i couldn't decide whether to laugh or to cry.

I've bought one more skirt for school and these pretty boots. Girl-shopaholic inside me is terribly happy.

Within 5-7 days my poscards will arrive and I'll be able to send poscards to USA, Netherlands, Lithuania, Slovenia and Germany. I'm afraid my postcard to New Zealand has lost :( Russian Post, goddammit,  and "let the whole world wait".

Tomorrow This day is going to be great. 

Уже достаточно давно я поняла, почему я так люблю говорить на другом языке. Моё вечное стремление забиться в раковинку и окружить себя стенами приводит к тому, что я буквально во всём ищу защиту. И мне кажется, что, когда я говорю на английском , я прячу слова в защитную оболочку чужого языка, создаю себе маленького клона, который говорит от моего лица, в то время как я остаюсь в тени. Но...нельзя так сегодня. 

Сегодня чудесный повод снова вспомнить все связи с людьми, которые у меня есть и сравнить их между собой. Только так я хорошо понимаю, насколько удивительна моя связь с тобой, Даш. Я бы могла это сравнить только с отношениями с Алексом, только там это с детства и теперь я немножко боюсь не угодить ему и не понять его, но здесь, с тобой, это очень особенно, это такое полное и безграничное понимание друг друга, как будто мы на всё смотрим общими глазами. И это чертовски прекрасно. И это здорово, что мы играем в маленькую ролевую "Уотсон - Шерлок", которая кажется мне отличным символом нашей дружбы.

Помнишь, однажды, в конце 9ого класса мы сидели в нашем кабинете и речь зашла от том, что мы все разъедемся и забудемся? Помнишь, мы с тобой решили, что мы уж точно не забудем друг друга? Я была дико счастлива, думая о том, что мы с тобой никогда-никогда не потеряемся и всегда будем вместе.

С Днём Рождения, лучший друг :)

Why I'm always the fan of the losing team?! It's unfair. Borussia Dortmund-Hamburg - 3:1. Since that moment I hate combination of yellow and black. Arrrrrr.

It seems to me that i'll never finish that post about 3 weeks with Alex. At least 'm not going to do it in the next few weeks. Too hurts.
I've bought new pair of shoes and a long black skirt. It made me happy for a few hours. Not bad, actually, i thought, I would fly into a depression, but I hold a stiff upper lip. However, i feel that i just hide it all deep in my soul. I wonder, how many such caches with trapped pain are inside my soul?.. I will have to face them all someday. To become free from the past.
I'm really looking forward for a notebook. Dasha, would you help me to choose? ^^ I believe, you knows more about it.
I'm thinking of moving to facebook. I need english-speaker people, "i need a public" as Sherlock said. Being on li.ru is too dull.
Bloody hell! Why i can't get these fucking postcards in this damn city?! Alex said, they have plenty of them, i can't find even one postcard. It so long to wait while they are travelling from online shop! Aaaaarrrrr!!11
Can't wait your arrival, Wallander T_T