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I do have a pessimistic mood now.

Everything is not bad, but something is just currently stopping me from being unreasonably happy. This thing that prevents me to grow. I am stuck. Really stuck. Like I'm trying to climb up from some hole and sometimes I'm so close to the surface but at the last moment smth drags me back again. And I am back to this fucked up darkness full of disgusting self-pity and despair.

In the last Murakami's novel the main character often has this feeling that he is not good enough for his friends and his lovers. I do have it  too. Often.

Useless feeling btw.

I am a romantic deep inside. And an idealist.  Of course I am a cynic also. But my cynisism is just a surface to protect this weak romantic spot. And also I do have brains so my cynisim is just a normal reaction to the world outside. But still I have this weakness, maybe it would have been easier if I didn't. Maybe there wouldn't be a dark hole then. Romance and idealism. My two eternal enemies.

It is strange how human brain works. Two dead bodies were found in the flat near the one I rent (Yeah, I do now. With a friend). A girl and a guy (20+). Overdose. And you know what shocked me? That now I don't have an opportunity to know them better. I know for 100% that if they were alive I wouldn't do any fucking thing to become friends with them. But they are dead now and here I am thinking about a lost opportunity. It is so stupid that I can't even.. Yeah, people are stupid.

I have started running in the morning. And it is so cool. Not just this self-importance about my strong will =D. And not just disappearing centimeters of my waist. But the beauty of the morning nature. And the cleanness of the morning air in the park. And the sound of silence. God I love Sokol'niki. 

Ok. I haven't written here for a long time. So let's go through the motions.

Charity. The problem of charity in our country is not in corruption or stealing. But they are still here too. The main disaster is about people who don't know at all how to build a business. And charity is a business too in some way. Yes It has a non-profit structure. But it still has to be smartly and effectively built as is done with a profitable business.  It does have emotion in it but best businesses usually have it too because you can be magnificently successful only at what you love. But here people want.. I don't know what the hell moves them. Money? Power? Status. Yep. Do you think that people with these goal can successfully build a good really helpful charity fund? Maybe. But only if they have a real emotion behind these goals and a side-business which will give them money. But here unfortunately the donated money somehow turns to dust at some stage and people who need them the most don't get any. Yes of course a charity fund should have an office but does this office really have to be 500 metres from the Red Square? Of course a charity fund should have I don't know a logo but does this logo really has to cost a 6-digit sum where the first digit is not so close to 1? 7 000 000 rubles for new office's repair to save rent money? Sure, why not? And yep that money were donated to people in need. 

I still have a distant connection to charity. I have two jobs now btw. And both of them are remote. Interesting experience.

I am still a private assistant to a President of one charity fund, a useless one of course. I am talking about the fund not about my qualification as a private assistant (I hope). And the second job is in a travel company. I have just begun. Still learning. We'll see how it'll turn out. Completely incidental. I hope the best things in life usually are.

I jumped with a parachute. Tandem skydiving so it is not really smth :) Complacently said I. Funny feeling. Completely incidental. I didn't even think about it. When a friend asked me if I want to do it I just thought "why not?". So easy. God, I hope I will think that way a lot more often.

Yes! I do have a diploma now! That is all I can say on this topic.

I have been to a Formula 1 race! In Monaco. And I'm going again tomorrow. To Sochi) But you know: on TV it is a lot clearer.

My trip to Europe in May was as always complex. It started at the outskirts of Milano with a hotel full of marvelous big dogs. Then there was Expo. Nice music in a Polish Pavilion btw.

Than there was Genova. I can't say anything about this city. I hate museums but here I have visited 3. I have even been to an Oceanarium! I think I have fulfilled the museum plan for the next..10 years?

But there is one magnificent beautiful place not very far from Genova - Cimitero monumentale di Staglieno. Yes it is a cemetery. But it is the most beautiful cemetery I have ever seen. It is full of magnificent statues. They are like people. Like real people. They have so many emotions as even living people nowadays don't. I was completely blown away.

Don't you agree?

Nice was as always welcoming and sunny. Even going by foot to the airport for 8 kms at 2am didn't ruin anything. It was even nicely adventurous.

The last stop was Normandy. Deauville is nice but nothing breathtaking except the deserted beach 20 minutes from Casino to the left. Yep I did spend some self-searching hours there looking far far away beyond the sea.

Then was Mon Saint Michel. That was really perfect. Silence, smell of farm and simplicity. Incredible peacefulness. Just what I needed. Maybe all that I need?

Sometimes I don't know what I want (or always?). I do want peacefulness. But there are times when I love noise, action, energy, even a crowd of people. I do want to go living somewhere overseas. Australia maybe? But recently I've begun to understand that I will miss Moscow. Russian language. Even people I think. I know that it is probably just a matter of habit. I don't even miss Strogino as much as I did 6 months ago. But still.. 

My trip back to Moscow was a funny disaster. Broken trains to the airport, hugely excessed baggage with no money to pay for it, two bags with only one allowed on board of the plane.. But people I've met helped me so much with everything that it even seemed surreal. A nice guy from Germany paid for our taxi to the airport. A couple of guys helped me to close my suitcase after laughing at my useless attempts to close it by jumping on it. A nice girl at the registration desk registered me online as my wi-fi of course didn't work. And she even allowed me to keep my so overweighted suitcase. When you are at these moments everything seems a disaster, but when they are in the past it is so funny to remember them that an involuntary smile keeps on appearing on your face.

I have also been to Turkey this year with a friend. Beach vacation. Finally. First at 5 years. I think it is practically enough for that period of time :) Still I hope I will manage to go to Phuket in December. And God I hope I won't go there alone. I really want to go with fucking someone. Fucking anyone? 

So what I can say? Jazz is still playing. I'm still living. Or existing. Dunno. I know that there won't be a major change in my life until I make it myself. But if knowing it is a first step then the second one is very fucking late. 

There is a special person there. But I ruined everything once. I tried to fix things. But I guess I'm not that special. Or maybe it is just an illusion.