ok so..no dieting ever.
just good eating and active lifestyle.
I will be thin for life.
If I diet now I will get results but It will only for now but then It will be harder and harder to be skinny.
I want it to be natural not made.
I don't want saggy skin.
So I'm removing all my marks and time periods .

...i ate sesame chicken.then threw up.
great

I know it's too soon to write..only morning..
I havn't done HW..ah it's ok. the test.

good news .problems and stress don't push me to eat anymore..neither the sweet things other people eath infront of me,,..I finally realiezed what will make me happy...not fries nor pastery...the skinny legs will though.

so drinking kefir now...lowfat ofcourse.
don't want to go to school..
sister coming soon with her husband and she is so skinny..agh
no money yet for the visa or the presents or the bank account.

maybe I was wrong ..about my husband he treats me perfect..maybe I was wrong about going to St.Petersburg..there is more thinspo there ,gorgeous girls ,including his ex.Instead of being threatened .......I should just be better. In everything
sO I wanted to do ABC for 10 days...but then..I'm against starving and bullshit eating..and why do something new if I have old heavy artillery that works..Kefir/apples 9 day diet was great ..So tommorow kefir all day.
Roman came over today ..well i came to his work first to feed him but then he came at 6...great sex and then we fell asleep for 5 hours..now it time to sleep..so I guess I will be up to do HW at 4am .
good night.

Ah even though my birthday is almost a month away..i can dream now how can it be..there is two scenarios

A. I wake up feeling the lightness in my stomach I see the sunshine through the gap of my thighs
there is barely any thights just two skinny legs sticking out...so gracefully
Body is perfection and my had is cleared
I look at the phone and there is tons of missed text messages with the invetations to go somewhere
Instead I put on the nicest little dress I have and underneath it ..a bikini..
I get to the beach ,turn of my phone ..lay on the sunny sand and drink my sweet lemonade..
Many guys stop and try to chat but only one gets my attention
And underneath the starry sky we stay on the beach until next morning talking and kissing.

B. I wake up ...upset ..another year older and still fat and medium looking..i don't want to be a medium I want
to be perfect.
Instead I'm tired and heavy.
I go to the fridge eat carbs ..and more..and more carbs.
I feel like I will explode...
Then my friend stop by ...we have fun...we trully do
But it's the smae old day and the same old me.


SO ....which one will be the truest to my destiny??

after talking about dieting and harch comments from parents about weight i found out that my great friend M kinda has bulimia..well she lost weight a lot of it through throwing up last year..15kg. but when i asked her "you are not doing it anymore right? she answered " well not really only three weeks ago once"..and then i found out that out friend rebbeka who now is thin used to be anorexic...wow once you open up about your issues you find out about everyone elses..damn so many girls have body image problems..ah

oh and M and S came over as usual and ate at my place a lot of food and for the first time i didn't i did drink some wine with my mom though.
no gym but walked half of the day...
didn't do launry or cleaning or homework..just had fun all day instead.

physical
1.50kg
2. super white teeth
3. just a little glow (tanning lotion)(no orange thought)
4.even blonder ashier hair
5.longer lashes

social/economic
1.traveling apportunities
2.more deucation
3.my own place
4.divorce
5.connections.

So yesterday went to eat with mommy at sushi restuarant... and thats all i had for last night..well not all..
I went to concert ..boring since i wore the highest heels and i was completely sober and no handsome guys...just the regular cuties.ph
Then...I went 86th st ..ah to ph b opened the door and there he was in orange sweater feet taller then me..
ah we watched some bulshit movie and then went to sleep after two hours we were touching each other like crazy...but damn his cologne really says it all for him "egoiste"
I left before he woke up...2 hours on a train
and im back home drinking coffee.
It's strange but I always feel thinner when I'm having an affair.

Pigged out.my friend shoved food into my mouth saying she would be very upset if i didn't on her bday...
my husband went to bar with his friend...maybe he is gay he sees him every weekend gets stoked and both are bery "european"
anyway have to break up with him soon.

Met my old flame today in the fucking morning.while sick and depressed.
Went across town to see him for less then 20 minutes he is so calm and "cool". Ah.. but all the same asshole he was before.
My libido is low...i think about sex a lot but when it comes to actually having it i'm not wooed.
Stopped smoking and drinking ,but i guess not for long ,friends b-day tommorow..
I hate when people have their B-days in restruarants WHY????? what if people don't want eat 20 pounds of food and then dance to the stupid music ,puking the alcahol out in the morning(then the diarhia follows).
drinkig vitamin C pockets...
did good today just according to the plan.

About parents. Ofcourse they want to feed us. But why tell you that you are chubby and then buy pastery ,salty food and why do they get so upset when you don't want to eat at night...oh c'mon.
Oh my dad also when he found out that i can cook well i have to do it every time when i come over...and cooking its like art and you have to try it before you give it to the family...brrr.

today i had
1.6am pot cheese (tvorog)
2. 1pm lean chicked breast with cabbage
3. kefir
* calcium sweet gummies (2)
* mint gum. (1)


Making peas soup. =) my favorite ,no meat. still plenty of protein.

sooo a lot of food lately, wrong food.
why?
mom buying pastery and sweets
friends who want to eat
starving...
smells
being bored.

so
i will ask mom to stop buying pastery or will giv e it away to friends
i will not go out as much
i will not starve I will always eat breakfast
i will have a lipstick and parfume on everyday
i will do my hw and go to gym



and starvation isn't for me so I will do something that will work
1. eating breakfast mostly pot cheese or oatmeal with fruits, or egg with vegetable.
2. lean chicken with vegetables , fish , rice, soup or salad.
3. kefir or if home late just calcium vitamins.

this way of eating will keep me full.hopefully.
plus walking EVERY SINGLE DAY. for an HOUR!!!

if i do everything i say the progress will be in just a week..now can you imagine few months?
totally different person.
there is no point in being stict if i can't keep it up my whole life.

the only food i have to forget FORGET about is
1.artificial sugars
2.bakery
3.fatty fast food

i dont drink soda and i dont eat red meat that often , plus eat breat sparely lately....im proud.

still 147.

I think by april i can get to 130.

I also need..need
hot
sweaty
animal
sex.

ugh.
2.

Felt sick and stayed at home.
Cried a lot. why? becouse of a stupid human resources office ,morons!!!!! couldn't get my benefit card, but r losoman's card payed for everything. I might try to go to St.Pete , he has been very nice to me .
Got some calcium incase I start losing weight (I don't want to lose bones).
ate some rice and kefir..so not bad.
got my yeast infection medicine. yey to the haliluya.

current weigh is 146 (oh geez)
Lowest weight ...when i had that bet it was 120 and the same when I was doing drugs.
Highest was 155 I think.


My goal weight would be anything under 120. I want to fit in my fucking clothes . I don't want to buy size large US..NO!!

Plus I got my belly button pierced so my stomach should be flat at least.it's itching this moment.fuck
I will weight my self daily. blog daily as well. no more fasting by force..just eating less and working out ,that should do the trick.

I want gorgeous blonde (NOT ORANGE) mane.

Age: almost 19
Height: 5'3 1/2
Weight: 145
Dress Size: varies
Highest Weight: 155
Lowest Weight (at height): 120 (two years ago)
Goal Weight: anything below my lowest weight.
Favorite Diet Food: fruits =)
Favorite Binge Food: french fries.
Favorite Exercise: walking. or sex.
Favorite Thinspo: real before-afters.
Where Do You Slip Up: when parents offer food.

When Did It Start? when I got married it progressed.stupid fuck husband.
Does Anyone Know: not really.
Do You Want Help: I don't want people up my bussiness.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: either 300 or over 1200 =(
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: nice legs,huge gigantic boobs , fat stomach ,nice face.so-so hair.
Are You In A Relationship: yes ,I'm married.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends: chubby.but most of my friends are the same.
Are You Depressed: sometimes.rarely.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: no
Ever Been To A Psychologist: school one.



I AM -
[] anorexic
[] ednos -- i try restricting and have the mental distortion but idk
[] bulimic --- not as bad as i use to be though
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast





PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic --haha i remember in 12th grade my mom asked
and once when i was drunk i showed this girl how to puke.. next day friends asked
[] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic



I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal


I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x]I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[] I wear glasses.
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles. (on my shoulder)




FAMILY
[] I've sworn at my parents.
[] I've run away from home.
[] I've been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[] I've lost a child.



EMBARRASSMENT
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I've had my trousers rip in public.




RELATIONSHIPS
[] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged. (I will be if he asks again...)
[x] I'm married.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[] I miss someone right now.
[] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I've cheated in a relationship.
[] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.




SEXUALITY
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.



HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[] I've been suspended from school.



BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[x] I can't swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I'm at my thinnest
[] I'm at my biggest
[] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[x]I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I've fainted from exhaustion

I've done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[x] Ecstasy
[x] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[x] Cocaine
[x] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

I can't break up with Roman..I'm slackin off in school ,well sort of.
Got my belly button pierced and lost some pounds..last morning weighter 142. Wow.
Today I binged big time but tommorow ,maybe pills? willpower is not my strongest forte.
I absolutely have to start and finish my Novanet and Gym credits.
Oh yeah I love love love gym,hot guys and excitment all the sweat and heat.Mom is sick =(..Roman as well.
Boris,.don't know what to do with him...now lets look on how I imagine my perfect life.

Setting: Lower east side
Beautifull one bedroom apartment in minimalistic french country style with gorgeous art work scattering around.
I wake up with my dirty blond hair and very slender thighs and plump bust...smacking my lips at the white old school alarm clock. It's almost 9am. I brush my pearly whites , toss my hair into a french low bun and get into a dress. Then I get to my classes on a bycicle. It's finally over and I visit central park for a bit ,enjoying my ice cream. It's after noon and I go to yoga class. Hot and sweaty I rush back to my apartment and I meet with my bf we have aaaahhmazing sex and spoon together. After few hours of spooning we go to an auction and get some more art to my collection.
That was just the weekend.
On the weekdays I work as an intern in a bery prestigious company.

Wierd things happening lately.
Some psycho killed about 7 people in my neighborhood. That doesn't matter though.
Went scating with Roman Moha Jenya Tamarin and Sashenka then lyosha and then saw Garik ,again. Oh he is so doublesided ,one day he is there and another one there is no way to reach him.He has beautifull eyes some eastern traits and a mentality that first come the man and then the women.. He calles women "tyolki" and he doesn't say much. He has an adorable friend..well one of them.He went to the wedding yesterday and today is Valentines day and no text or call from him. I guess my little obsession is over with him.I got over David L so getting over this strange guys wouldn't be too hard.
Now let's talk about my husband... he is being nice but I still feel icky and indesicive about going to St.Petersburg.
Let's see how it goes this month and by the end I will decide.
I will take the ASVAB if I pass I go to Air Force. If I don't I will leave US for a year or two anyway. Unless I decide to go the same way as everyone else and go to Kingsborough.
Last nigh me and Maria went to Romas and Ravis B-day and got drunk off just one drink.Mine was French Kiss. And as ironic as it the real one followed. Very hot ,steamy one with a very nicily build blond guy..ahh.

So today is the first day at the new school. Yey I guess. I was also told that I can graduate on time if I do everything .
Liza finnaly came over she got the point of getting and giving , probobly meeting up today as well. She finnaly slept with D ,I wonder if he is happy.. ah well , so what?
I wasted WASTED all the money daddy gave me on bullshit.. alcahol and food. NEVER AGAIN.
What else never again? Cheating. Never. Ever.
On the pill today but this whole week will fast and then start Raw Vegan diet. At least attempt. For a month.
So whats to do this month...
1.Asvab
2.Visa to Russia
3.put 300$ on my Chase card

ladno mne nado bejat...

So last weekend I corrupted a boy who jus turned 16... OMG what a stamina ....That was AHmazing.daaamn.
First I met him he flirted but after a month I thought he was gay , tattoo of a flower ;piercing in the nipple and overall gayish looking. So I invied him to do the freaky in Marias place.. I was so wrong he was one of the best. The problem is it probobly scared him and he ignored me online after ,in school still friendly.
I don't regret it. I wish he was a bit older and I had my own place ,so he can prove me he wasn't gay again and again ( and again).
I lost weight and losing some more ,without pills or drugs just by eating less and healthier. Feel a lot sexier.
Roman is being super nice, we going to his mother upstate soon. Well today unlesss he oversleeps.
BTW I transfered to another school will be there february 1st.
Still have ASVAB to take havn't really studyied ...bad me bad me..

With my dog on my hand, my beloved dog...
I can start a journey that is made of goals dreams tryouts failures and achievments.
Hopefully I won't fall into a depression becouse I have no clue whats up with graduation, will I graduate at all? will I have take GED? would I have to have extra year of the scary place called High School?? should be called Low School.
What I am happy about is that I tried. I went to school as much as I could. Oh and what about Air Force? Will I pass that freaking test??
I lost about 5 pounds on the apple and kefir diet that I'm going through with my mom.
My two friends L and A are driving me nuts ,one is very manipulative and another one is always late.
What else? Petersburg trip is coming up so soon, april (my bday time and spring break) that's scary !! Will my husband cheat on me with his long crush M...?? If he does , what will I do??
I'm anxious about S coming back for mom...
Let's see what happens.

Im ecstatic.