I fucked a musician I met in a bar the other night
When he kissed me I wondered what you would do if you were still here
I knew you would flip if you saw him taking my clothes off
You would grab him, push him on the floor and punch him till he chokes on his own blood if you saw him lying on top of me
And you would cry and you would be hurt if I told you what I let him do to me
But I don't want to hurt you, I want to hurt myself till there's nothing to love anymore, shatter all the things you adored about me, I will go on till we both despise every bit of me, so that if you see me tomorrow or many years from now, you won't feel pain and won't regret what happened to us
That's how much I don't want to hurt you, I love you, I still love you
And then he kissed my forehead and I said 'don't do that, it feels like you care'. And he begged me to stay and hold him, I left.
There's still hope. I am still alive. I need to fix this.