Koda Reki
The history of Koda Kumi
1982-2010

10 years have passed
Since I first started singing as Koda Kumi.
As I continued singing, I learned:
“Life isn’t easy.”

It’s not just me. Everyone has painful days.
There are lots of people
Who grit their teeth and keep fighting.
Though sometimes you might be unable to carry on…

But please look around you at such a time.
Because “something important” is definitely by your side,
Supporting you with outstretched arms.

This book tells of the journey I’ve taken so far
And the memories of the tears I’ve shed.
I’m praying from the bottom of my heart
That those reading this book
Will be encouraged and will smile.

Koda Kumi
2011.2.2


Music is all I have,
But I have it.

On days when life hurt me
On sleepless nights
Songs were always by my side.
Songs strongly connected me
With so many people.
I’ve been singing as Koda Kumi
For 10 years now.
At some point singing became
My dream, my job
This also caused me pain
But now, once again, I feel:
“I love singing. I love this stage.”


Roots: 1982-1999

Until I became the artist Koda Kumi…

When I was a child, there was a “unforgettable sight”. That was the sight of seeing lots of adults gathered in one place. As the alcohol flowed, the place would get more lively and people would always ask my mother “please sing” or “I want to hear that song”. When my mother would stand up shyly, grab the mic and start to sing, the adults who had been chatting up until then would fall silent and everyone would look at my mother. In a second, everyone would be drawn into her song… Amidst the loud applause, I thought: “Singing is really great, huh? I want to try singing like my mother and move people’s hearts.” That was what started everything.

My mother was a young mother. Her female friends didn’t have any children yet, so I was raised as everyone’s “daughter”. My mother and her friends loved to sing ♥ They would meet up at our house and have girls talk. The words “Let’s go to karaoke ♥” would always be said (laughs). There my mother and her friends would first sing ‘Koi no Bakansu’ by the Peanuts and then lots of other songs in harmony!! I remember me and misono copying them and practicing really hard.

If my mother was the reason why I wanted to become a singer, she was also my teacher. People still often tell me, “your singing voices sound alike”.

The more I sang, the more the feeling “I want more people to listen to me” grew…

After my first audition in my 3rd year of elementary school, I went on countless other auditions. I virtually always got rejected. I often got rejected in the applicant screening phase… But the thing that always pushed me on was my “groundless confidence” that “I could definitely sing well!!” (laughs) And also the endless love of my family who never opposed my choice and watched over me. I could maintain my groundless confidence thanks to my mother and my father. When I felt down, my mother would tell me, “Kuu-chan, you really can sing well”. And my father would smile happily when he listened to my singing. I was spoiled, right? (laughs) But thanks to their indulgence, I am here now. Now, as an adult, I feel really grateful towards my parents.

I would always be in 2nd place at auditions.
Even during the audition at avex trax which would lead to my debut I ended up in 2nd place.
I think that’s why I look up to “1st place”.

My singing career started with the thought:
“I want to be number one someday. I want to become a top artist.”

Year: 2000

After one year of lessons, my debut finally came.

One year of lessons to prepare me for my debut was waiting for me after I became the runner-up at avex dream 2000. My debut would be dropped if I was judged “unqualified” in that period. It was an important period in which they would decide whether I would debut or not, so I would come from Kyoto to Tokyo on the Shinkansen to take lessons every weekend. By the way, EXILE’s Hiro-san was my dance instructor at the time.

How did I spend those important days that would determine whether I had what it takes to be an artist? I didn’t spend my days feeling anxious or anything (laughs) Because I was a fearless high school girl back then ♥ Using the 500,000 yen prize money, I would eat at department store restaurants and even though it wasn’t decided whether I would debut or not, I naively thought: “If I’m getting so many lessons then that means they’ll let me debut, right?” (laughs) I really enjoyed those days in Tokyo ♥ …My staff must have felt anxious at seeing me behave like that.

Actually, my director at the time Toku-chan threatened me: “I don’t know whether you can debut yet” even on the very day my CD hit the shelves (laughs)

During the shooting of the cover of my single TAKE BACK, no one had told me what the shoot was for so I just stood in front of the camera clueless (laughs). Actually, my debut day had already been decided but I didn’t know, so I felt insecure and thought “will that song I recorded be put on sale?” (laughs). When I saw my CD lined up the stores I felt “I really debuted!!” for the first time. I still remember how excited I was.

Beside not knowing any fear, I didn’t know the real world either. Pushing forward with my groundless confidence, I just shallowly thought “debuting at avex trax = sales!!” Fortunately, my song ranked high on the American billboard dance chart. From 6 December 2000 my spectacular life as an artist would start, well, that was the plan anyway (laughs) But life isn’t that kind…

From that point Koda Kumi’s long and lonely “winter years” would start.

Year: 2001

Pained by the gap between her dreams and reality, she put on a lot of weight!!
Everything is going wrong…

The start of her “winter years”

Directly after my debut the famous “Koda Kumi Weight Increase” incident occurred (laughs).

I weighed 45kg at my debut but I gained 8kg in less than a year!! I had been dieting furiously to achieve my dream, but when I finally debuted I carelessly thought “it’s okay now.” Letting my guard down was my biggest mistake (laughs)

Until now I’ve made it sound like everything was fun and games, but… to tell the truth, I did feel stressed and worried too.

The company spent money on me and promoted me, but my debut song didn’t become a hit and neither did any of the following singles. I felt guilty for not being able to meet my staff’s expectations. I felt so pathetic for nothing being able to get any results… And as if to add insult to injury, I had to go across the country and sing in clubs for promotion purposes. I’m grateful for that opportunity now because the experience helped me grow as an artist, but at the time it was really tough on me. I couldn’t adjust to living at night either.

Reality was nowhere near the “ideal” I had painted for myself. I was still young and eating became an outlet for my stress and worries.

At the company someone called me “one of avex’s three fatties” and it felt like people told me “lose weight, lose weight” every single day… “I want my songs to reach everyone” “I want to sing songs that’ll move lots of people”; I had those thoughts since I was little, but the stage I stood on in those clubs hardly reached anyone. There were hardly any listeners…
But every time when the thought “this isn’t how things are supposed to be” was about to break my heart, the few fans who came to see me and wrote me fan letters would support me.

----Even if it’s only a small number of people, my songs are definitely reaching someone----

That small piece of hope supported me at that time and gave me confidence.

I often shock people by doing something unexpected, but actually, I’m quite negative. But I have always been bad at showing my sadness. I still am. I always try to be the “always positive Koda Kumi” in front of everyone. Though it doesn’t work sometimes (laughs).

If I give in to my negative feelings,
My heart will hit rock bottom.
That’s why, when I feel like I’m about to give in
I switch my negativity with positivity!!
It’s a technique I learned back then.

When it seemed like I could no longer put up with my fat self, I would sing “Jennifer Lopez~♪” to myself as I applied my make-up and I would tell myself “you’re pretty!!” in the mirror before heading on stage (laughs).

At times when I felt like giving up on my dream,
I would always tell myself:
“My dream will definitely come true!!”
“As long as I don’t give up, it will come true someday!!”

If you keep repeating positive words, your negative feelings will mysteriously turn positive!! As proof: my staff even threatened to turn the PV of COLOR OF SOUL into an anime if I didn’t lose weight, but I honestly still believed “I’m not that fat, am I?” (laughs)


Year: 2002

Finally standing on my own two feet and starting to walk by myself: the 2nd year after my debut

There were too many things that I didn’t know. I just stood in front of the microphone and sang my heart out.
“Whatever song is fine.”
I felt worried and lost, and had no time to think. I just desperately walked on the path that my staff had laid out for me.
That was how I spent the 1st year after my debut.

“What kind of artist do I want to be?”
“What kind of songs do I want to be send to everyone?”
In my 2nd year I slowly started thinking about
How the artist Koda Kumi should be.

What triggered this was my sister misono’s debut.

Unable to get any results after my debut, I didn’t have any confidence in myself as an artist.
“I think like this, but am I wrong?”
“I think it should be like this, but everyone says it’s that, so should it be that?”
I couldn’t express my thoughts properly.

When I saw misono at work, she openly stated her opinion. Before a performance, she would bring scraps from magazines and say “I want to wear something like this”. Then she would discuss it with her stylist and staff. She could easily say “yes” or “no” because she had a clear picture of what kind of artist she wanted to be… Seeing misono like this really inspired me.

After that moment, I studied daily. I looked at even more DVD’s from foreign artists and checked what kind of music people love. I started thinking not only about the songs that I like, but also about the songs that people want to hear.

I started thinking by myself, I finally started standing on my own feet and I started walking on my own accord… That’s how I faced my 2nd year.

Year: 2003

When I entered my 3rd year as an artist I still didn’t have a single hit song. But that also created an opportunity for me when the producer of Final Fantasy X-2 said: “I want to use a person who isn’t famous yet, but who’s an artist of ‘the future’.” I got selected to sing the theme song for such a popular game. There’s no way this won’t attract attention!! That’s why:

---If this song doesn’t sell, it means that I don’t have what it takes to be an artist. If that happens then I’ll give up with good grace---

I vowed that to myself. The song that would decide my fate was Real Emotion.

Real Emotion placed 3rd on the Oricon charts thanks to Final Fantasy. It was my first hit song. At that time I felt: “It’s finally come!!” (laughs). “Once people will listen to my songs, I will certainly be able to keep their interest”, I had held on to that believe as I had kept running. That’s why, at the time, I held the fleeting hope that “thanks to this hit song, things will definitely change!!”

But reality differed greatly from my dreams again… Although my 2nd album ‘grow into one’ which I released directly after Real Emotion ranked 8th on the Oricon charts, the singles I released afterwards all ranked outside of the top 10. Because my hopes had been so high, the fall was really hard too.

“I can’t create a hit song on my own.”

I started thinking like that and felt depressed on a lot of days. But slowly I started to think like this:

“Someday I’ll become an artist of which people say, ‘Koda Kumi didn’t sell a lot thanks to the tie-in, but the product sold a lot thanks to Koda Kumi’!!”

Though I might not have ranked 3rd because of my own power, that 3rd place still filled me with some confidence. I decided “alright, I’ll give it my all again!!” I vowed to myself to continue to run towards my dream.


“If this song doesn’t sell well, then I give up”


Year: 2004

After 4 years, "Koda Kumi" is finally born!!

The moment I first ran into Crazy 4 U, I felt:
“This is the song that will symbolize Koda Kumi!!”

Before now I had slowly started voicing my opinion and I had started selecting songs personally, but Crazy 4 U was the first song where I directly discussed things like “I want to wear this” “I want to dance like this” “I want to shoot the PV like this” with my staff and self-produced everything.

A sexy and cool woman.
A dazzling dance performance.
Trying out things that other artists haven’t done before.
A type of entertainment that only I can provide…

The artist that Koda Kumi should represent finally became clear.

Crazy 4 U is the song that created Koda Kumi!! When I look back at the years until 2003, I was filled with enthusiasm, but I didn’t have a clear goal. That’s why it was so hard. Maybe I didn’t get any results because the me who was singing on stage was lost?

The fog in front of my eyes cleared and the path I should walk on became visible. Singing became more fun thanks to that. Every day I felt “I’m really doing what I want to do” and in response to that feeling, my single LOVE & HONEY ranked 4th on the Oricon charts. More fans came to see my events and the amount of fan letters increased too. It started slowly but it felt like I was finally being recognized.

But I was still a “newborn” at the time and it was a period of trial and error. Although I had attracted attention with Cutie Honey, I was swamped with criticism for the clothes I wore at Music Station and when my sales dropped again just like after Real Emotion, I was crushed by the thought “again?”… Not everything was great and there were a lot of incidents that upset me. I often felt anxious and thought things like, “Is the place I am aiming for right?” “If so, am I doing something wrong?”.

Even so,
I wanted to believe in my own style
That I had taken so long to find,
No matter what other people might say.
I didn’t want to give it up.
I didn’t want to be diverted.

I usually got scared easily, but this time I pushed through my own ideas for the first time.

I could take a big new step forward in 2004. I love the person I became ♥

Year: 2005
　
Dreams definitely come true one day!!
“I’m glad I didn’t gave up”
I thought so from the bottom of my heart

2005 was a year in which I got a big response whenever I released something, and in which I became more confident. After my years of struggling in my “winter years”, I could finally see a stage sparkling in the spotlight… That’s how I felt at that time. That’s why no matter how tired I got because of the increased work-load, it was endlessly fun!!

My new songs topped the charts one after another.
I was invited to music shows
And got featured in female fashion magazines.
And, most importantly, people were listening to my songs…
The scenery that I had pictured in my dreams
Was unfolding before my eyes!!
Every single day felt like a dream (laughs)

That year was filled with an endless number of happy events, but was made me the happiest was being invited to the Record Awards and to Kouhaku for the first time. By being awarded prestigious prizes and being allowed to perform on prestigious shows, I felt like I could finally repay all the people who had been supporting me.

The one who stood out among the ‘people who had been supporting me’ were my parents. My clothes and performances which were dubbed “ero-kakkoii” sparked my popularity at the time. I felt proud of that title, but the “kakkoi” would often be left out and I would just be talked about as “ero”… my heart hurt whenever that happened.

“Won’t mom and dad feel bad about this?”

I was the one who chose the style of being cool and sexy, but to be honest, I felt guilty when I thought about my parents. So when I saw my parents smiling happily, I was able to think “I’m glad I stuck with my style!!” from the bottom of my heart for the first time.

About 14 years had passed since I auditioned for the first time
And 5 years since my debut…

It took a long time to reach my dream destination. When I look back on the road I’ve taken, I am reminded that making your dreams come true isn’t an easy thing. But it’s exactly because I know how difficult is that I think, “you must never give up on your dream”. I want to send these words to my current self and to everyone:

“Your dream will come true one day.
If you keep chasing after your dream, it will definitely come true.
So please don’t ever give up on your dream!!”

Year: 2006

Never-before-seen “ero-kakkoii” boom

I couldn’t really believe it
I didn’t feel real

The year 2006 was filled with happiness. The single from my “12 Singles Project” all ranked in the Oricon top 10. My 2nd best album “BEST ~second session~” also topped the charts. And I received many awards. Also, besides performing I got to release my first photo book… It was a year filled with new challenges.

But when I look back at that time, every day was so busy that I can’t remember the small things anymore… It must have been really hard on my staff, but I was having the time of my life. Whenever I went over my schedule for the day, I thought “Ah, what a star schedule~♥“ (laughs). And I suggested even more things, saying “I want to do this” “I want to do that”. That way the workload increased even more (laughs).

In my “winter years” people would tell me “that’s too soon for you” when I said I wanted to do something. That’s why I was so happy that I could do what I wanted to do now. Did my circumstances change when I attracted attention? I certainly got the ‘star schedule’ that I had been dreaming of in the past, but I was totally unconscious of the fact that I was a ‘star’ (laughs).

On my days off I would go shopping in the city with my friends, mingle with other guests when eating and would go to the movies like normally. I would fall in love like normally (laughs). I hardly changed so I ended up getting scolded by my friends to “wear sunglasses already!” and “don’t wear such flashy clothes, you’re standing out too much!”. That still hasn’t changed (laughs).

Well, people did call out my names and wanted to shake my hand. Those kind of opportunities increased and the name “Koda Kumi” appeared frequently in magazines and newspapers. I won awards like ‘Best Jeanist Award’ and ‘Nail Queen Award’. People often told me “this is a never-before-seen ‘ero-kakkoii’ boom”. I knew in my head that I was attracting attention and it made me really happy, but inside myself I thought “Koda Kumi is really great~” as if she wasn’t me, but a different person.

I can’t explain it well, but… it didn’t feel real. So I also revealed my private life without hesitation. Ah, but that still hasn’t changed much (laughs).

I was in a position where girls would copy my style just like with “amuraa” and shinoraa” and that was a truly amazing experience. But, when I look back now, I only have one regret… That is, if only my own name could've gotten linked to it instead of being called “ero-kakkoii” (laughs).

For example, “kumiraa” or “kuuraa” or “koudaraa”? This was my chance to leave my name in the history books, but I failed (laughs).



T/N: “Amuraa” and “shinoraa” refers to girls copying Namie Amuro’s and Tomoe Shinohara’s fashion style.


Year: 2007

I don’t want to fade when the “ero-kakkoii” boom ends.
I want to fight by showing my true talent as an artist!!

At the same time when I felt really happy about getting attention, the thought “I want to be recognized as the artist Koda Kumi” grew stronger.

I’ve said it countless times before but… I worry easily and I’m a coward (laughs). At the time my friends often asked me: “Kuu, there’s nothing to worry about, yet you always say ‘what should I do, what should I do’, why do you do that?” I was fine when I was busy and had lots of stuff to do, but when I was home and had nothing to do, I unconsciously started saying ‘what should I do?’… That was how I was in 2007.

Behind that was the fear:
“Won’t people get sick of me?”
“I have to do something!!”

Ever since I decided that I wanted to be a singer, be it when I was getting sales or not, the thought “I want to sing songs that move people’s hearts” was inside me. “Am I really doing that?” I often felt anxious about whether or not I really was.

As if in reaction to that anxiety, the thought “I want to reach people not just by being ‘ero-kakkoii’, but as the artist, as the entertainer Koda Kumi” grew stronger. That’s why I sang backed by an orchestra for the first time during my Premium Limited Live In Hall performance. I performed at the rock festival Summer Sonic ’07. Overruling my staff’s resistance, I performed dangerous stunts at my 2007 Black Cherry Tour… I challenged one new thing after another.

Those experiences allowed me to grow as an artist. Starting with ‘ai no uta’, I could ‘leave behind’ many good songs and performances. Because of this, the 2007 Black Cherry Tour is my favourite tour. My following tours couldn’t really surpass it… It was really vexing (laughs). The first time that I felt “I’ve surpassed it!!” was during my 2010 UNIVERSE Tour.

Because we waver and worry,
We are able to grow.

I feel that 2007 was a year in which I strongly felt that.



Year: 2008

I mustn’t forget it.
I mustn’t pretend like it never happened.
The fact that I hurt so many people
Still pierces my heart even now.

Life isn’t always nice.

Everyone experiences ups and downs in their lifetime. And… I’m no different. I recklessly kept running as I realized my dream of becoming a singer. The moment I thought “My dream has finally come true!!”, I destroyed everything with my own words.

Remembering that time is, to be honest, still hard. I’m the one who hurt others, but when I’m try to talk about it… my… my tears start to flow. I shed those tears not because my suspension was hard, but because it pains me that I hurt so many women with my words, even though I didn’t mean to. What was I doing? I was supposed to be working while thinking “I want to send out courage and dreams with my singing”. I was pathetic. How could I do that to the people who had trusted me and supported me…

That time I realized how immature and unprofessional I was. I stand and speak in front of so many people. I hadn’t thought about the responsibility and power that came with my position. But at the same time I was frightened by that responsibility and power. Is it okay for this young me to stand in front of everyone again in the future? Won’t I just make the same mistake again? I felt scared, so scared…… I kept thinking “I want to throw everything away and run away”.

It’s scary to talk in front of people.
It’s scary to stand on stage.
I want to quit being Koda Kumi.

But I decided to move forward thanks to the people who waited for me without returning their tour tickets, thanks to the warm words of my fans and thanks to the support of the people around me. Many people left because of my actions, but there were people who still believed in me and hadn’t let go of my hand. If I would let those people down, I would hurt them again. I have to bear it and keep going for the sake of the people waiting for me. That’s what I felt.

After my suspension, I immediately started preparing for my 2008 Kingdom Tour. Although I had decided to move forward… It was really scary to stand on stage.

There were countless times where I couldn’t sing
And had to cancel the rehearsals.
I dreamed countless times that there would only be a few people
In that big arena…
I couldn’t stop shaking even right until the first performance.

The first day I stood on stage, I was filled with anxiety. I still remember the voices of the audience from that day.

It’s still quite scary for me
To openly discuss my feelings
In front of others.

When I was asked “will you talk about the period surrounding your suspension?”, to be honest, I wavered a little. But I thought “I mustn’t pretend like it never happened”, “I have to talk about it”.

I mustn’t forget it.
I mustn’t pretend like it never happened.
I have to walk without running away
While facing it head on.

I hurt many people. I have to carry that responsibility.


T/N: In 2008, Kumi caused a 'scandal' by remarking on radio that, "When women turn 35, their amniotic fluid goes rotten, so I'd like them to have a child by 35". Because of the controversy instigated by her comment, promotions and endorsements were stopped. And after issuing an apology Kumi secluded herself from the media for two months.
(In Japan the low birth rate and advanced maternal age are very sensitive topics, hence the big backlash.)

Year: 2009

Two long years passed
Before I could make my cowardly self
Start running forward again.

It’s rude towards my works and my fans to forever drag out my negative feelings.
“Think positively.”
“Pull yourself together and move forward.”
In my mind, I thought “I have to give it my all”
But my actions lagged behind. That’s how I was in 2009.

Whenever I tried to do something, I thought:
“Won’t I be scolded if I hold a flashy performance?”
“Won’t I fail?”
“No one will accept me, will they?”
Those kind of worries filled my head and I went on the defensive.
I just watched my surroundings.

Performing on live broadcasts was especially scary……
“If there are a 100 people who hate me, there will also be a 100 people who like me.”
Even though I repeated those words to myself… I was worried about people’s reactions.

I stopped running completely
Because I was afraid to fall.

When I line up my CD jackets of that time, I can clearly see those feelings of mine. The colours are faded and there’s no power. The way I was back then is subconsciously showing through… Products are really honest. But when my 10th anniversary year was about to start, I decided: “Staying like this is no good!! I have to start running again, without being afraid to fall!!” The song in which I decided to do so was Can We Go Back.

I was fixated on Koda Kumi’s unique “aggressive” sound and performance. I often write lyrics with a positive message, but using dreams and courage as the theme, I sang “I have to become stronger” and wrote about my own weakness for the first time in my lyrics… I feel like I was able to reclaim my confidence and style by singing this song.

Year: 2010

Koda Kumi’s 10 year journey had its ups and downs. When I finally thought “I’m living my dream!!”, everything slipped through my fingers… That’s how reality continued.

When I was recklessly rushing towards my dream, I believed without hesitation that “as long as I don’t give up, my dream will come true!!” When I felt depressed, I repeated positive words to myself and was able to move forward again. I had been running frantically without ever taking a break.

A lot of people have the image of Koda Kumi being a strong woman that never gives up, right?

But I also have lots of weak and pathetic sides.

To me, ‘entertainment’ means ‘to give people dreams’. That’s why Koda Kumi’s entertainment should never show her weak and pathetic sides. I still feel that way. I hesitated to talk about my own weakness, worries and struggles in this book because I wondered, “Won’t I destroy everyone’s dreams?”

But, you know, by revealing my true self…
“Koda Kumi gives it her all even though she’s scared, doesn’t she?”
“This cowardly person is still giving it her all, isn’t she?”
By revealing the path I’ve walked on, I can still give people dreams and courage, can’t I?
I’ve started to think like this:
This current me who’s faced many setbacks and who’s failed many times in the last 10 years, can send everyone a new “positive message about dreams”, right?

In the last few years, I became a coward and it felt like I was in a place that was separated from everyone. “I want to get close to everyone again by fearlessly sharing my true feelings. I want to sing more closely to everyone.” That feeling is locked into this book.

When I look back at these 10 years, I was only able to say “this was a good year!!” in 2006 and 2007. I’ve had more tough than good times, but now I think that was for the better.

Making your dream come true takes a long time. And it takes a lot of effort to not lose your dream again after you’ve made it come true… What I didn’t knew when I was 18 years old was: “Life isn’t always fun, but you’ve made it this far, you know. So please be confident.” That thought encourages me now as a 28 year old.

Life with its ups and downs has taught me the brilliance of singing once again.

Laughing with me during fun times, crying with me during difficult times… Whenever happiness and sadness piled up, songs echoed even deeper inside me. There were times where I was hit so hard that I couldn’t get back up, but by singing my songs which were made with the thought “I want to send everyone courage”, I was saved.

My songs also changed slowly but surely as I experienced more things. Even I don’t know what kind of songs Koda Kumi will sing in the future.

But I know one thing:
“I want to continue to sing songs that are linked to the “happiness” and “sadness” that is ever-present in our lives.” That is my unchanging dream.

I believe that my tears and smiles of the future will definitely become the bridge to my dream!!
credits: http://verduistering.livejournal.com/94238.html#cutid1