Fireflies - Jacob & Bella Fanmix With Drabbles Part 1 |
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Sometimes he understands. Or at least: he starts to accept that apparently this was the way his life had chosen to be like. Without asking him, of course. But this seemed it…a broken, lonely, desperate teenage boy trapped in the form of a wild animal.
Instincts.
Savagery.
What they had had been beautiful. Outstanding and right.
He tells himself that over and over – praying that this old, craven trick of men kind would work: lying to oneself, telling your mind something just long enough for it to believe it is actually true.
It never would. But it helps Jacob understand.
Something as beautiful and effortless as they had could not last. Life.
Every heart stops beating, every lung stops taking breaths, every eyelid fall close, every voice fades into silence, every light flashes and then dims out…
Jake and Bells eventually fell victim to that everlasting circle of life.
And sometimes Jacob thinks it might be better that way. Natural.
Right.
How my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down
How my dreams they spin me 'round
And how my dreams they let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down
And then there's you
Then there's you
And then there's you
Then there's you
How my love it spins me 'round
And how my love it's let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down
And then there's you
Then there's you
And then there's you
Then there's you
You know I know who that you love
I've written it on myself, if you can't tell
With a melody that climbs and then falls, then falls, then falls
Without you, without you
How my days they spin me 'round
And how today it sets me down
And how my days they spin me 'round
And how today it sets me down
Alongside you
Alongside you
Alongside you
„You don´t understand it, do you?“
“Jacob… I-“
“You don´t want to understand. I – don’t – care! I don´t care if you’re broken and shattered. I don´t care if you wish I was him. I don´t care if you will never forget him or never see that he won’t come back. I – don´t – care! As long as you are with me…,” Jacob’s angry and furious voice fades into silence as he ends his little speech – words that had boiled inside of him for too long and needed to be set free.
He could not handle the pressure a second longer.
Bella just stands there looking at him, her eyes sparkling with tears in the dim light of the garage and she trembles, her fingers clenching together nervously.
“Bells..,” Jacob whispers, feeling guilty and ashamed that he threw these words at her like this. But they had to be said sooner or later and as he takes a step forward and presses his hand against Bella’s cheek her eyes look up to him and he can see it.
Determination.
And peace.
Her troubled mind finally seems to have found an answer. All her dreams and thoughts, all the days spent in doubt and pain and endless questions – today she found her ground. Her peace.
“I am with you. Already. All the time.”
because this has a touch of rebellion and so much life behind it
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„Are you mad?!“
Jacob is almost shrieking as he watches Bella with a featherbrained expression, his hands fumbling through the air helplessly as if he tries to hold onto his (or her) sanity.
“Maybe I am,” Bella calls over her shoulder, a big grin flashing across her pale face and it causes a diremption in Jacob’s mind. He would give everything to see that shine in her eyes every day. But not like this…
“Bells, come on. We can do something different. What about the bikes? We didn’t take a ride forever. Or cliff diving. I promised you that. How about we do it now?”
“Nice try, Jake!”
Bella just winks and Jacob realizes there is nothing he can do to stop her. Except just grabbing her and drag her back upstairs.
“Just in case you get caught: I’m innocent.”
“As innocent as a lamb, Jake!”
He shakes his head and watches Bella with a hint of curiosity that makes him angry at himself. This was wrong and would most likely end in a disaster.
“There we go!” Bella calls with enthusiasm and full of pride and a second later Jacob hears the sound of glass bottles bumping against each other.
When Bella reappears from her crouched position against Charlie’s camping freezer she carries another flashlight-smile and two bottles of what appears to be vodka.
“Now…we’ll find a nice sun-trap and enjoy the day,” she declares with pride and excitement and the next second she is up the basement stairs and all Jacob can think about is how to explain all this to Charlie later…
She is sick.
He is angry.
Angry about how with all the modern medicine and technology and science they just cannot know what she has. What is wrong with her. What makes her so weak.
Most of the time she sleeps, her eyes closed, her breathing even and Jacob just sits next to her bed, staring at her pale skin, so sallow and lifeless now, and he holds her hand, brushes her skin with his fingertips and hopes to beam some life back into her.
He brings flowers. Every day.
The white and sterility of the hospital room drains even more life out of her and he wonders why they keep the rooms like that.
So he brings her flowers, all kinds and all colours to brighten up her pain-wrinkled face and tickle a smile out of her.
“They’re so beautiful,” Bella whispers one day as he sets a bouquet of red gerbera on her bedside table and smiles at her – the way he always does, always did. Always will.
“Thank you..”
Her voice is so quiet that Jacob fears it might just fade into silence if he stops listening. Stops taking care.
Not that he ever would.
“No big deal, Bells.”
She looks at him intently and he knows that she did not thank him for the flowers but for himself.
That he takes care. And never leaves her side.
To him it is self-evident. There is no way he would not take care. He is her best friend… as much as it wears him out that he wants to be so much more. He loves her… knowing that she loves him, as well but not the way he wants her to love him. He wants to be there for her any way she wants… even though he knows he would never be what she truly desires.
And a cruel, masochistic part of him is with her every day because it fears that whatever it is she has (maybe her broken heart) is killing her. And he does not want her to die alone. Without him there to once again tell her how much he loves her.
“I love you,” he says quickly, fear pinching his heart and she smiles softly, almost pitiful.
He does not know whom she pities, anymore.
"I know."
I'll run my fingers through your hair tonight
There's no one else, I'm sure of this
I need you now
I'll give you all of me
I'll make you mine
If you'll take me and make me
Your first in line, oh
I've made my home in your heart and your mind
And you laid your hands on my chest and
You pointed home
I'll give you all of me
I'll make you mine
If you'll take me and you'll make me
Your first in line, oh
I've seen you, I've kissed you
In two hours, I've missed you
I'll take it, I'll make it
I'll give you all
I'll give you all of me
I'll make you mine
If you'll take me and you'll make me
Your first in line
Whoooo
Oh, oh, oh
Bella’s fingertips are hesitant as she trails them across Jacob’s chest, feels his smooth yet stone-solid skin underneath her touch and marvels at the soft shiver she causes, the small sign of weakness from her too-big and too-massive best friend.
Feeling bolt she pressed her palm above his heart, closes her eyes and concentrates on the steady thump thump thump underneath her hand, inhaling Jacob’s woodsy, musky scent.
She feels home and this feels right and for a second Bella starts to ask herself why she declined herself of this for so long.
Finally Bella has to admit that she needs this. His touch. Her touch. The soft vibration that tingles her skin as Jacob releases a long-held sigh, his hands on her lower back, pulling her closer, his muscles twitching underneath her touch as she moves her hand lower and lower, her fingertips dipping beneath the waistband of his shorts.
He does not stop her and Bella realizes that this is what she needs as much as air and endorphins and food and sunlight and sleep. Him. All of him. Without any boundaries. Just him.
“Bells,” he whispers out of breath and out of mind as she pulls down the zipper of his cut-off jeans and then just stops all movement, raising her head to look into his onyx eyes, her chin pressing against his heaving chest.
She just smiles and it´s all the reassurance he needs to lower his head towards her and brush his lips against hers.
Just them.
because the lyrics fit Jacob´s thoughts so perfectly and the song is so touching...
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A drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together
Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But I’m holding you closer than most,
Cause you are my heaven.
I don’t wanna waste the weekend
If you don’t love me, pretend a few more hours, then its time to go
As my train rolls down the east coast I wonder how you keep warm
Its too late to cry
To broken to move on
And still I cant let you be
Most nights I hardly sleep
Don't take what you don’t need from me
Its just a drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together
Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But I’m holding you closer than most,
Cause you are my heaven.
Misplaced trust and old friends
Never counting regrets
But a grace of god I do not rest at all
In new England as the leaves change
The last excuse I’ll claim, I was a boy who loved a women like a little girl
And still I cant let you be
Most nights I hardly sleep
Don’t take what you don’t need from me
Its just a drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together
Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But I’m holding you closer than most,
Cause you are my,
Heaven doesn’t seem far away anymore no no
Heaven doesn’t seem far away
Heaven doesn’t seem far away anymore no no
Heaven doesn’t seem far away
A drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together
Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But I’m holding you closer than most,
Cause you are my heaven.
You are my heaven
Maybe it had been foolish. No – strike the maybe. It most definitely had been foolish to hold onto a stupid, forfeited and hopeless dream.
She would never have been his. Not in a thousand years and he should have known. Should have known from the moment she stepped out of her truck with those motorcycles that she was a lost cause. Another casualty. Collateral damage in the endless vicious circle of dreams and life.
He had been holding onto something too heavy, pulling him down and yet it was too beautiful and auspicious to let go off.
And now it was all over. Both of them. Who they were. Who they might have been one day.
Silent and immobile Jacob sat on a rainy beach somewhere in South America, thousands of miles away from her and yet he could feel her dying. Somehow he knew that she was becoming one of them in these seconds, painful minutes, agonizing hours. He knew because he was still holding on, still falling and he could see the ground below now, sharp, razor-edged and lethal.
He was sure he would not survive the fall. And neither would she.
Anger boiled in his veins. Was he not supposed to dream? Was this not the way life should be? Live every day to the fullest because it could easily be your last but dream as if you had forever to make them happen?
So young. If he would not dream then who would?
So why did his dream betray him this way? That now he sat there motionless in no-man’s-land feeling the love of his life pass, becoming his deadly enemy.
Once again he hoped she would just die. Maybe he was misinterpreting. Perhaps the feeling of losing her, of loosing himself just meant that she was dying. Naturally. An accident. Maybe.
It was yet another hopeless dream and in that moment Jacob Black swore to never dream again, to never believe into things that would deceive him later.
He had always been a dreamer inside his heart, warm and full of light and hope.
She took his dreams away that day, all the light and hope he had for the good side of things.
Even though his Bells died and left behind a cold, marble, shallow mask of beauty, Jacob did not die. She buffered his fall, kept him alive. She died so he could survive.
She did not kill him. But she killed the dreams in him, leaving him just as shallow as she was now. Cold. Lifeless.
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download the zip.file with songs, lyrics and cover art here
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