Last week there was a gag listicle making the rounds entitled “If programming languages were vehicles” and I lol’d along with the rest of them, but then I kept thinking about it and a bunch of the entries just seemed to miss the mark. And I’m in a silly sort of mood, so here is MY version: slightly different language selection, just as opinionated, 100% more Truth™.

All images from Wikimedia Commons.

Mercedes V6 DTM Rennmotor 1996

C is an internal combustion engine: it’s changed only incrementally since it was first invented, and it’s still an essential component of nearly everything else on this list, but if you’re in need of a vehicle you’ve got a shit-ton of additional work ahead of you. And there are those who would say that essential aspects of its design are dangerous to the general public.

Warehouse aisle full of unidentifiable items

C++ is an auto parts warehouse. Dig around in there long enough and you’ll find everything you need to construct whatever sort of vehicle you want, especially if you don’t mind a side trip to the even bigger “Boost” warehouse next door. You’ll still have to put it all together, though, and be careful which boxes you open: rumor has it this warehouse was once used to store … other things.

1971 Ranchero Squire

Java is a fully operational vehicle! Unfortunately, it’s one of those big American clunkers from the 1970s; breaks down a lot, lousy gas mileage, and aggressively styled in a way that just looks tacky nowadays.

1972 Cadillac de Ville

C

https://www.owlfolio.org/possibly-useful/programming-languages-and-transportation/