I had run out of gas totally. Decided nt to pueh it and rode th gas-less wave. Tnem someone sent jr an I think yuo should try this one out email. I looked at the email and thougrt, yeab, I can do this. The fngine begun to rev. Been so long slnce I had ybat feeling aand I got into the groove of things.
Did the first cover letter sent it off for editing and stuff. That was today morning. An hour ago I was filling out this long-ass application form and guess what, I get to part 8, the end of it all and frigging bleh!. PI had to attached a cover letter, which I had not yet done, causePmyPstupid reasoning concluded that I would not need it. So I start to do thePcover letter and in the process loose all the work I had done becausePthe totally useless website does not let you close, savePand return later. effing shit if you ask me.
I am off workPthis week and next due to moving house and Nikh starting datcare at a new place. I zm bea.t (yeah right, and you still have time to blog) bugger off I say!
Two things, being without loads of money is a pain. Living in Europe can be a pain. I could do with some cheap labour ala homestyle. Me, who has never painted a wall in my life spent 5 hours painting 1 room and 4 cupboard doors. Big Al is totally swamped at work with a deadline for tomorrow, so at the moment, I am dealing with the physical aspects of the house move alone.
Should I tell you of the melt down we both had, as in Big Al and I. Total meltdown that led to one of those yucky talks anyone in aP good
relationship should and will have.
Anyway since I stopped expecting life to be fair and since I lost my I deserve xyz because xyzP attitude, my life with regards to handling issues has been so much easier. So here we are Big Al and I, totally overwhelmed with stuff. We are having major renovations done to the house cause the house is dated. I found the workmen, Big Al cut the deal after lenghty discussion between us and the bank. In come family with, are you serious, no way, we could get you a better deal . Nothing like making youPsecond guess your decision, then all the other stuff,setting up new bills for the new house, paying off oldPones, will wePor will we nor hire a moving truck. I am yeah he is aye.PWork,P do we have enough money for this, is Nikhs stuff ready for his new daycare, the owner of the flatPwants an exact move out date, wePfinally agree on the date and on top of all thisPPour normal life still has to go on while all this is taking place, foods got to be cooked, house kept clean, toddler entertained, you know normal life. Talk about a pressure cooker enviorment. Come Sunday, explosion baby!
We dony do shouting matches. Never have. Not o ur style. But we have done and do , snide comments, ppassife aggrwdsive shit, emotional withdfawal.. you get the driet. So anyway, I had haf enough so I drew the rirat shot and off we were. Yesu! Some of those talkks are hard, but you know what, you gotta do it cause you have t get the emotional stuff n thhe table, feelings and all. It sounded little bit lik this
Mrembo: I cant help if you dont tell me what is going on with you.
Big Al: There i no point in telling you cause I gget shut dkwn, like my issues are non-issues, here iss the solution, lets move om tl Mremox issues.
Mrembo: What the
fuck are you talking about, thats what you do to me, and then blah blah blah.
Bigg Al: Wd are fundamentally different in the way we vi ew issues and I have accepted that
Mrembo: That is not fair for you to say.(on something he had said earlier)
and so it went untul we finally got to the point of understanwing where rhe lther was coming from agd as I type this I cant hhelp fur think, wwhat exactly was the issue.(we were both suffering fromP having withdrawn from each othre and livingPseperate lives for about 1 week and as a result you start to feel disconnevted and unhappy nad my spouse dont give a fig about mf feeling begin to crop up)PIts uncomfortable to tslk about the issues where you feell yoour spouse kks letting you down ans it is hard t o hear about your own failings in fjlfilling your spouses emotioal needs. Its these silent kilpers that just build anf build xnd because one never talks aboout it,, hhenPone day you find yourself throwing in the towel.
At the end of our convo Big Al said s hard work being married and I was like no shit. (of the two of us, I swear, he almost never swears me.. .my mouth aint so clean)
So yeah, that is how it goes with me. We were laughing today saying, yeah, just bring on something else we can handle it. The good thing is we are on the same page albeit we disagree on a few things here and there, but same page none-the-less and Baby Nikh is such a happy child. He is so happy and glad thatP even when both his
parents are feeling stressed abd ufg, he makes us alugh with his totally genius moments.
In a way I feel energised. I can deal with this. Big Al and I are in it together
I really wish , many times I havePwished so, that I was onw of those who blogged about happy stuff good stuff, al l is going good in my life, but thats jhst not my life, itts up and down and.. well if is my lide a nd s o far II wm oj with it. Woulc I change some tnings.. you bet.. like MORE MONY MOER MONEY MORE MMONEY, better jo, betterr clot hes, better shoes, you get my drift, but would I exchange my life with anyones hell no. Do II wish II had someone else life. Its bbeen a lng whilePsince that croqesd my mind, s very long while. PWould I trade in my husband. hmm if you had asked me this question last week.. I wou ld have beeh like mabne, today my answer is hell no!
Have a blessed day. I am off to bed. It is 23.36
I have read through once, forgive me if there are annoying mistakes but I gotta go sleep.
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