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Участник сообществ (Всего в списке: 3) beledi Bellydance bellydance_il

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Статистика LiveInternet.ru: показано количество хитов и посетителей
Создан: 31.07.2006
Записей:
Комментариев:
Написано: 151

Temptation is fun…giving in is better

INSTALLING HUSBAND

Вторник, 23 Января 2007 г. 21:40 + в цитатник
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6..1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You
might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance . We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

What A Wonderful Story

Вторник, 23 Января 2007 г. 02:01 + в цитатник
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with
no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over
for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We
had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office

when women lie.....

Вторник, 23 Января 2007 г. 01:55 + в цитатник
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are
you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.

"You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up
with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with
my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

"Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care
of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All of us Women

Find the N

Вторник, 23 Января 2007 г. 01:47 + в цитатник
Find the N! (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Find the 6

Вторник, 23 Января 2007 г. 01:45 + в цитатник
Find the 6!

9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999

Once you've found the 6...

Can you find the C?

Вторник, 23 Января 2007 г. 01:43 + в цитатник
Can you find the C? (Good exercise for the eyes!)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once you've found the C..........

women, men

Вторник, 23 Января 2007 г. 01:20 + в цитатник
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I play golf."

Mirror or a 2-way glass?

Вторник, 23 Января 2007 г. 00:41 + в цитатник
How can you tell when you are in a room, restroom, motel etc. with a
mirror or a 2-way glass?

Here's how:

I thought it was quite interesting! And I know in about 30 seconds
you're going do what I did and find the nearest mirror....

Do you know how to determine if a mirror is 2-way or not?

This is not to scare you, but to make you aware. A policewoman, who
travels all over the U.S. and gives seminars and techniques for
businesswomen, passed this on.

When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc.,
how many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror
hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way mirror (i.e., they can
see you, but you can't see them)? There have been many cases of people
installing 2-way mirrors in female changing rooms. It is very difficult
to positively identify the surface by just looking at it.

So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty what type of
mirror we are looking at? Just conduct this simple test:

Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and
if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail
(thickness of the glass), then it is a GENUINE mirror.

However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail,
then BEWARE, FOR IT IS a 2-WAY MIRROR!

"No Space, Leave the Place"

So remember, every time you see a Mirror, do the "fingernail test."
It doesn't cost you anything.

Remember: "No Space, Leave the Place"

Ladies: Share this with your girlfriends, sisters, daughters, etc.

Men: Share this with your wives, daughters, daughters-in-law,
mothers, girlfriends and/or friends.

Beware

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 23:49 + в цитатник
A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your
shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, be careful.

Having Mom over for Diner

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 23:32 + в цитатник
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
Roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her
more Curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Stephanie and I are just Roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle; You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner. Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
Read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if
Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom

Pest Control

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 04:31 + в цитатник
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

Senility

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 04:31 + в цитатник
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Brothel Trip

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 04:29 + в цитатник
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

Confession

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 04:25 + в цитатник
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"


Donation

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 03:14 + в цитатник
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

Catholic Dog

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 03:09 + в цитатник
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Looks of Disappointment

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 03:08 + в цитатник
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."


Lemon Squeeze

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 03:06 + в цитатник
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Box Donation

Понедельник, 22 Января 2007 г. 03:03 + в цитатник
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

От улыбки станет всем светлее:)

Понедельник, 31 Июля 2006 г. 04:00 + в цитатник
Я....просто девушка, у которой есть свои желания и стремления, которая любит жизнь и хочет изменить ее к лучшему!


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