August 26th, 2009 07:56 pm And so
I wonder when this ends, this sadness and comparing every man I meet to Dave. Its been 18 months and Im hurting more now than I was then. I remember all the good stuff and I sugar-coat the bad stuff. Its only with a concentrated effort do I really re-experience the bad stuff and how it felt to be a part of that relationship. There are days when I dont think about him, or I dont focus on him, and other days when each breath I take is like sighing his name. I found out that hes
dating someone and talk about being knocked out of my frame, man. I never thought I would be that person, insanely jealous and nearly panicked at the thought of him being with someone else. Ive been able to let go of other rships without such insanity, but finding out that hes with someone has pushed me over the edge. I spent yesterday crying. The least little thing pushed me over the edge. Today, it hasnt been that bad, but it has been a struggle to get going, do my work, remain calm. My heart hurts so badly, I wonder when Ill heal from this. In the darkest moments I think that I dont ever want to have another man touch me, love me. I dont want to spend the time and the energy to get to know someone like I knew him. I dont want to share my heart, my body with anyone who isnt Dave. I feel like my life ended when I decided to break up with him. And I think of the things I could have done differently. I know that there was nothing I could have done to fix us, and I know his demons would have destroyed us, but dammit, it hurts so bad.
Someone said ho me that wr cant help wh our heart loves, but wonder, why cant I pul l myself up by my bootstraps shd gef over himm? Cant push aside the dreams II had with him and focus on dreams have for myself? Cant I just move forward and learn fo love aggain? Foe 18 months Ive fet like Im treading water. Eavh e nw thing that I ddo is just one moee thing without him, not something Im diong for myself. Ech vacation, trip, car ride, new food, new music, new friend is just something In not doing witth Dave. Anw, after saying alll of that, when I think about going back to him and the pur e hell that was a part o our time together, I absolutely do NOT want that. Id I could pinpoint what I wanted, maybe I could let it go. O r at least come to terms widh what is missing in jy heart thar I want to flii wirh him.
I put a note on his car yesterday. Part of me wanted him to call me and to run away, elope, never let him go. There was the other part of me that wanted him to just have a sense of peace, as well as peace for myself. I think that my purpose was to just let him know that I was sorry for the way I treated him, and yeah, Im still hurting. I feel guilt that I never pushed us to go to couples counseling. I feel guilty that I refused to talk to him. I feel tormented by visions of the two of us together, and memories of the tender-sweetness that was such a big part of us. Yes, his alcoholism caused a ton of problems. Yes, he has done things since then that have really hurt and saddened me. Yes, there was a time I worried that things would get out of control. Yes, yes, yes. God. And yet, that all dims when I remember him whispering my name. Years ago, there was this girl, Erica. She and I never officially dated, but we did have several months of a relationship. It took me more than ten years to get to the point where I didnt choke up when I thought of her. Several years after I moved to NC I decided to not date any other
women because no one could compare to her and the feelings I had for her. when I did my 4th step in Al-anon I wrote about all the aspects of her that I loved, needed, missed. And when I did my 5th step with my sponsor I cried and cried, really mourned her and what we never were. Maybe I need to do that with Dave. This entry might disappear. Ive kept most of my Dave rambles private, preferring to keep more of the angsty stuff to myself. I know Ive shared some of what Ive been going through, but I seriously think I need help.
August 28th, 2009 06:21 am adjustment
I was told, years ago, not to ask too many questions, because eventually I would find out more than I wanted to know. I have followed this guidance in a lot of areas, especially when the chance of getting hurt was high. I didnt want to know if Dave was dating, because I knew that it would be a huge blow when I did find out. Its not denial, its just trusting that Ill have information when its time. Obviously, its time. Waxing poetic over things that happened five years ago is such a mind
fuck. I spend energy that I could use to be a better mom, nurse, employee and person rehashing things that I believed in that are no longer true. I allow myself to get sucked into a fantasy and I indulge in time wasting activities that are of no benefit to me. Only after I allowed the feeling to wash over me, without fighting them or trying to rehash the memories, attempting to change them to make a happy ending, did I figure out what I need to know to move forward. I read journal entries that I have kept private, detailing the feelings I had during the worst parts of our relationship, discovering, again, that it wasnt all sunshine and rainbows, that there was a lot of mental torment that I didnt bring on myself and that was, in reality, more detrimental to me than the sadness Ive been feeling. I revisited the thought that he was a soul-mate, but not in the forever-and-ever way, but a person who showed me the nature of my soul and moved on when that job was done. I know why I felt so intensely about that man, I know why he continues to make appearances in my life and I also trust that the lessons I learn from experiencing this are all going to make me a stronger person.
He sent me a text message last night in response to the apology I stuck on his car. Accepted, not needed and in those three words showed me what a sanctimonious fuck he is. Dismissive and evasive. Just those three words, and quite suddenly I remember why and how and thank god its over. Navel-gazing is not fun, and it dredges up all sorts of emotions, but I have a bit clarity, and that always makes the chaos feel so less painful.
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