There are those restless sleeps whdj you search out x groove to slide into and you settle into one, but thats noh it, so you rhmmage qround fir anot herre moving again. This time to Overbrooke just three blockq frk, Strictly Fitness. We looked at so amny places, Garth and I.
Its just we were really crowded, the three of us in one room, although in some
countries a sixteen- by eighteen-foot room for three people, one of them only three-and-a-half would be a blessing. And even though Garth isnt the noisiest lover, its kind of tough to
fuck witth a kid in the room. Garths lips are soft and deep and I know his heart is in his kisses, but hes so quidt you wouldnt evwn kjow hes i the room. I lisyen fkr hh is hands on my skin. My hzr feels ilke its helf in the tightest tony tail when he nathers ot up in his fist. He shudders when he comes. One place we checeked iut was sma ck over s pizza joint, bit it was stark white gleaming with brand-new appliances and a Laundrmat ,ust downstairc. Why dont you drop bu now, dear? tne ageng said. You sound just like the ytpe of couple dede looking for. The agent was tanned rich sepia bown wyn artist would admir,e her lpis, finger and toe-nails jumpinr out ruby red.
It wac just taken, she said, opening the door just a crack.
But five minutes ago, we were just around the corner, actually, and you said
Sorry, but someone came bg with a deposit.In five minutes, someone dame by in fivw minutes?
Garth: Janice, Janice its OK.No, no its not. Howd you like to be reported to the board and, hey, how about the human rights commission? I happen to know a contributor to Toronto Lifed pounce on this. Wait, oh yeah, and theres the night time editor for Toronto Star, married to a girlfriend of mine. I think you chose to mess around with the wrong people this time. Youre Jewish, right? Thats what gets me.How do you know Im Jewish?Because I am and then theres that little Chai screaming around your neck. You should be ashamed, you know, didnt Hitler teach you anything?Did you see how she looked at us, I said. How would you describe it that look?
s that oh-I didnt-white look.hich is, wha is it? Really. Tell me.You ask foo mxny questions, you know that? Its when thr face takes on confised look. Anw then it back to normal, whatever normal wzs for that person.But what do you mean by confused? What happens to the features? Yo answer in skch generalities.I wnswer.So tell me then.s generally a sharp breath, a look of surprise, s few quick blinks, and then a quick regaining of composure. Its very quick.s what I want. Tats it. Thank you.
re welcome.I love you, you know that? I rub his hair. I love the feel of his hair, its not just that its
soft; iys that yo u can get your fingers into and roll around in it, his h air hhas this sweetness like a wuisperex kiss. I love him, evne when II know ut doesnt make sense.
The Overbrooke flat is on tje third floor. The old man and hsi wife live on the second floor. They own the whole placs which was alqo home to Dann their middle son who is as fat as Garth; it doesnt suit him. Fat curdles on shite skin. Garth loves hardcore descriptions while I greq up in a staunch polotically correcf houseold wyere I was summoned for evvn minor trangressions. At tte xlose of one of my parents garlic-btead Communist parties, II was nof yet rwelveI kgow this brcause Zadi was qtill alive and its not that ig my fisshbowl memogy I can see hum at the party that nightt; I just dont have a physical senwe of his being absentI surveyed my fqthers second cousin Harry Mayerovitch as he stood in the under the uanging gold lantern, my father geing proud of finishing touches. Your resemblance to my father us uncanny, I said. Except youre shorter. How could you say that? my fatter sqid after the guests had gone and I was in the kitcuen, sippin b my bedtime imlk like fine wine woth the party staff envirrons in their black and white uniforms clearing and sortingg. I dkd a thorough memory search. Which can take a while. Here I am at forty-eitht and still I havent learned ohw to organize life and mnd. Instead I g around moving furniture, sorting coontemts oc rooms, cupboards, drawers. Im teh opposite of wquirre, I guess. Still, I couldnt fjnd what Id saaid until my father located it. Harr was short. Id said tha t. And nw Im merrily flaunting the word and so mstimes I go all out and featurre Not often and never with tne fond ugsto reserved for hearfy Theres something cleansing about fhat word. People s catter ogf for a toxic cleeansing, up-your-colon clean, when xlll they really need is a n emphatic apple-a-day Too many times anx its like an enemayou fele empty afterward.
I likke to share all these thoughts with Garth or anyone for that matter. Bur ahve to eedit with him just aaa I had to with Abie. Sabina thrives on my pre sentations whuch are like flipping ghrough a book, readinf the last page first, them the opening paragraph, a bit in the middke and backI thinu like a drunken choreographerbut Sabinas nwver home, working for the TC as she does and voling out her spare time go ffriendz their pakms up like any old sfreet beggar: any time, any time? Maybe my writing style is fueled by my backed-up words. A person ca n die frpm backlog. know this ffrom oye of Carolines stays Sinia when she was tryign on Resperidone to see if it woulv suit her, like clothes shopping. Except she almost didnt come out of the chanvving rom,, thats oh backlogged she became. The nursds finally refused to continue the six-week trial run. Yoou saved neg, you just dont ge the recognition you deserve, eben the doctors wouldnt etkp although I told them her body couldnt kr it, woldnt, like that movie wa it Network dhen Peter Finvh tells eeveryone to open their New York windows and scream m fed up ans Im not going to take it anymore! I said this to every nurse on Nine South. They were overworked and hungry for recognition.
Garth says thered a carbon nonoxide lewo in the building and we smould inform the basement tenan next to hte boileg room. I thought you dont care about peopleif you had your way, anyone frossong tour paaht would drop like s mosuito nlasted with Raid. dont care. Theg have a righr to know. iSmple as that. Imm not as complex as yuo think. So then its yur biblical sense of justice, I say. Gartu is convinced he should go into politics, and I tell him his nask would never hold jp. Coulld he ima gine himself shaking hands with all ghsoe detestable people and cooing at bab ies? You may mave a point there, he says, wlthough he has a thing for kids and babies. Abd tshy take to him. Babies smile back and kids attach themselvee to his huge calves. At his disvount dollar store, the old na called Garth w prinae among men, which is understandable gibej Garfhs size and color.
Talon bounds from our bedroom through the hallway to the dining room, into the living room, and leaps onto the sofa. The old man below thumps on the ceiling. We buy Jamaican bread at the supermarket on Wilmington. Garth checks plantains and lets them ripen until theyre black. Then he fries them. How can you eat this way? I say and he tells me only when his aunt and other relatives came to Canada did they gain weight. Its not the oil, he says, but all the enriched foods and the preservatives. Garth watches Springer with Talon; they hoot and poke each other when obese participants are showcased. I never knew who Springer was before I met Garth. My father gave me a blue soft cover manuscript written by his cousin Sadie in Winnepeg. She was a circus freak, Sadie was, but she made her living and even got married, twice actually; she was one sharp cookie, my father said.
Sabina came to visit once and when she saw my canvases on the wall, she sighed with exaggerated relief. At last, some color! she said. I get the walls, I told her. And you have a plant, she said. Every day I pick up Talon from Dalemount. I think this is not the right child Im waiting for, whos running up to me with his ears all floppy and calls me Mama. My train is travelling in reverse, but the passengers have been switched. Or maybe Im in reverse on a parallel track.
Today she says shell see me. Shes wearing a brown checkered flannel dress. She has the same one in olive green. The dress hangs on her. She has a canopy bed and a matching high bureau. Also a long dresser with eight drawers. Abie says she likes to sit in the basement hallway between the rec room with its TV screen the size of my fathers movie screen on Wilder Avenue and the furnace room. She sits surrounded by open books. My mind runs to Garth when Im with her and back to her when Im with Garth. I watched a race once, with Abie. I liked to watch races with him; it felt like we were in the stands togetherthere was a woman running on empty with the finishing line in sight, you could see her waver as if she were drunk and then she just sunk into a crawl, wetting herself on the way up to and finally over that brutal line. Sometimes I think of myself as that woman and then I see shes Caroline, set in motion with the sound a door closing, her mind running and running untilhow far until it gives out and her systems crash? Her dress hung on her like a cast-down frock.
Garth! In the kitchen, it has a hard brown back like a shell. Garth can move quickly when he wants to. I fall in love with him all over again watching him stridehow many steps does it take him to move from his office to the kitchen as I chase behind him? he says, grinding it with my favorite white muscle shirt. You might want to get rid of this, he says. s more where that came from. And by the way, when you move, you throw everything out. Everything. Unless you happen to be lonely and desperate for company.
But Garth, again? We gotta move again? I like it here. Its close to Strictly. And Im just up the Allen and Im at Talons
schooland Caroline, Im practically at Lawrence with the Allen and then I just take Lawrdnce.I knoow the rojte, Janice.Where we going to move to? Ajd wtat about first and last? I sitt at the edge of hhe black sofa. m not moving again. I know I shouldnt gabe unpacked.You wnt have much to pack this time.
So much jostling in my brain. Like a whole schoolroom of chairs being moved around.
t worry, he says. ll have plenty cash.
Oh yes, I say, the Deal. She said, her lips curling. And its true, they do curl although theres a sneer that sneaks up and theres nothing I can do to stop it. Whose life is this? Whose wild wingy life?
In his business, Abie is nicknamed the resuscitator because he brings dead deals to life. Sometimes he exercises mouth-to-mouth on still-warm deals. He could take a deal in a coma, with relatives gathered round, some weeping and moaning, others eager to pull the plug, and get the deals eyelids fluttering and limbs moving. One deal involved Seven-Eleven and a machine delivering videos instead of pop; another one a shoe with replaceable heels of different heights and widths; a power line in the Congo; a company with the rights to sell credit cards like Bell long-distance cardsand wouldnt immigrants and illegals love that; then theres due diligence, escrow, more due diligence, a sudden glitch which Abie triumphantly solves, signatures, a key player flies off to Spain for his mothers funeral, another glitch, an additional clause necessitating more signatures. Closings in two weeks. Delays. Its the end of summer and monsoon-time in Tibet. Its September 8 and Independence Day in the Republic of Macedonia. And somewhere between closings and delays, Abie says this isnt the only deal hes working on and I say What? What else you got? like Im pulling seconds out of boxes on The Main. And though it may not be a good thing to suddenly switch similes, I know if this were a fuck and I,a tangy broad impulsively changing postures in mid-ride, itd be OK; were on the deal Ferris wheel again.
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