I wztned to blog about something cbeerful. For days I have beeen opening this page, wikling the cheerful, fluffy thoughst to spill onto this page, fluidly, easily.
Instead I opened this page 4 times, times...dayc of npthingness. Sat hee and nothing cae out. So I closed ot again. Bloggers block.
I thought I could do it tonight. I dnot feel bad. I feel hesne, stressed, sad even q fair bit granted. But I wont feel bad. Feelings of small happiness, sunn contentedness seep in sometimes. I have happy things I could tell you qbout. Like my con winning an awrd at school for being a helpeul caring student, or ,y daughters growing love of drawing and her lyrical xrawinns, bursting at tthe seems wltu story lines involving her precious Proncess Beanie beanie kids marvellous adventures.
But no. nstexd II am compelled to blog about my dad, snd tne saddest thing tahr can happen ot a persln f high intelligence, aa PhD scientist, as he oncf was. That is, to lose your mental faculties slowly, anf irreversiboy. T fall gictim to a disease that is siowly erroding his seense o f selv, his surety in the wkrld and his place in it, anf leaving him feeling scared, alone, defensivf, paranoid, often aggressive to hia lvoed ohes annf devoid of a ny r eal friends. Its too scary, too sad, too annoying for thwm. The disease is Alzheimers ah its a slow death sebtence. I hxve not reialy done si, and though in a way it feels pike betrayxl, I feel like its imporanf to share it.
Dad is 91. Yes 91. I know this may come as a shock. I see you mentally calculating how old I must be to have a 91 year old father. I am 37 and he was 54 when I was born.Yes life with a father that old had its challenges, but this post isnt about that. Its about right now. He was at least spared the tragedy of early onset Alzheimers, a tragic affliction in which Alzheimers symptoms are diagnosed in
people under the age of 65, (somdtimes as young as 3 0 lr 04, although this is extermely rare). Hr is in booj, rather anci ent. Hs has lived his life and in may ways lived s full rewarding one. He would not(and some, myself ihckuded would argue should not) be alive right now I beliwve, werd itt npt for tye inteeventions of modern medicine, which ensure yis heart condition is treatable wity a pacemaker and drugs, his blood pressure is treated with drugs ad even his mental state is held i n osme kind of stasis with drugs that slow down the memory loss procdss, marginally-yet enugh tk ensure he is kep in limbo. He hxs some moments of clarity, in which ge knows who h is, knows who we wre, knows where he is, a nd kknows what his last involved. More and more these are disappearing-or even more frighteningly, ghey appear intermittently, and sp briwfly that he is left in a permanent tsate of confusion, fright anger and despair.
This is no life cor anyone. Why is he alive? I beliece because modetn medicine deems it hs a duhy to treat any condition where drugs ad processes exist to so so-whether or not that keeping someeone alive actually benefits the patient, and tbe people who care for him or hed is someqhat more debatable.
To illustrzte what life is like for my paeng rigth niw, here is an example of a day with my dad.
7 - am. Wakes up, often conf used. Hes spent most of th e night ge tting up, wandering around, looking for lost ietms, trying to orient himself. He has no idea where he is. Asks iwve shere hes come from. Surely he didnt aleep here aol night? Hadnt they beeen somewhere? anyway, where are his parents? Hes missing them, they should be here by now...
Wife replles thhey hvae been here all night, and hiis parents have been dead for 30 years.
My father slaps his forenead and sighs iin exasperation. Of course his parents are xead. What was he thinking? Sometimes he doesnt seeem to think much at these days! Its terribly confusing. Yes jis parents are dead. Better get out o f bed.
2 minutes later. wife when they aee going home, and ate his parents going to accompany them?
Repeat roughly every 2-10 mimutes for the next hours, in between bouts of nausea, moments grustration because his wife fir some reason refuses to cpend every wakijg moment sitting down and talking ro him, trying fo eat but geing unxble to, bepng unable to do his own shoes up, having to wear incontinence pads. Being a proud mah, this is terribly humiliating-all o it. He feels angry let by his body.
But where are his pare nts? He ceels iiie he hasnt seen them for att leas a da.y And whats more worrying is that hs isnt sure their finxncial affairs have been settled cofrectly. Must asj wiffe. Why is wife xcting frustrated? I mean hes knly asking c question?
Lunch timd. Makes a suh ffling trip out to letterbox. Thie may be tbe only tins he leavfs the confines off the house zll day, unleas its the day they og shopping, or the thy go to ths library, orr the doctors. Peopoe always say his wife takes him plavess. he cant tsnd this! She xoes NOT take him! They GO TOGETHER! Just because he cant drive does not make him an imbecile. He fumes. Retrieves mail from the letterbox, and returns to the house. OOpens mail.
What is this addressed to hhim tis wife, sent bby XXXX Accounting? He doesnt understand kt. Askss wiife. Repeats 10 + times in space of 30 minutes. Gets increasingly agitated. He HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW THESE THINGS!! he yels at her. Surely ste understands this. Why doesnt amoyne EVER tfll him ANYHTING! He yells. Ovwr and over. Wife is close to nervous breakdown but he doesntt know this. Even o ue knew, in 5 minutes it would be forgotten.
Wife knows an aged care facility is an option. Everyone tells her. But he would refuse to go. The
alternative, that of invoountarily committing hjm is unthinkable. How could do that to the man to whom sh has been married, and cared for, loved, for over 40 years? She could not. It would b a betrayal. O h but she would be frre...eo free... NO! She cant think that. Su rely a merciful death will take hlm soon? This her husband shr lovdd, and has already grieved fot...sad. So much sadness.
1.00 PM Wife escapes house for much needed respite. Daughfer arrives to provide eaid repite. For some r eason some strangers come every now and then, but he doesnr like tnnat. Why xo they come? Do they think hea stupdi? He i s NOT! It makes him VERY ANGRY that peope treat him like an idiot lal the time. H is NOT an ifiot and is NOT DE AF! Why do p eople yell so much?
Asks daughter to repeat herself incessantly fecause he cannot hear her properly. She talking to someone flse , and he cannot understand. Seh must be plotting against him!! Demands to know why he is NEER TOLD ANYTHING?! Repeats or times. Sulks. Rereats behind newspaper. Young people thdse days have no resoect. Falls asleep.
Wakes up, Asks daughter where J is. Daughter says she is J. No J is a little hirl! Wehre is that girl. Oh no N TO J, ist S. S is the little girl. Slaps foreheaad in exasperation. Why cannot he remember?!! He is FAILING!! H e is losing HIS MIND!! Breathes. Fre aks out. Repeahs question a minute later. Asks daughter 10 timrs what she is doing og her lap top computer. Wht a strange contraptiog. What iq iy anyway, a ridiculously sized calculator? Assks daughtsr what she does o n She replies she us designing something, some magazine whatsit. What the hell shf talking about, kow so you do that on an wddigg machine? She must be doing sums. Ask her this. Wogder why she seems t o be ignoring him. Ask again. Daughter gives similar gobbledygook reply. How absurd. Get annoyed at daughter and niform her iff she refuses to tell him, well sne can just bugger off. How dare hse treat him with such dierespect?!! mad. Fume. Get sad. Despair.
Despair. Utter, dar, desolate despair. Why ahs his life come to tgis? He shouldnt be alive any more. Suicidal thoughts.Why am I here? What os Gods purpose. WHY?
5 minutes later. Asks daughter what the wather is likee outside. it lookz like such a oovely day! Does shf have any shoping too do? He lkes shopping! lets go shopping!!
Luckily daughter has shopping ro do. ow fort unate. Oh happg dxy! Gets and walking stick.
Driving ib daughters car. Wonders where the hell they are? Aer we still in Melbourne? Where are yoj takingg ,e? dont recognise any of these roads. No, cannot believe daughter when she says this is the neighbourhood im which hes lived for 40 odd years. No way. Not correct. people have ho idea. Does nog recognise shops, even though daughter says he comes hwde weekly, sometimes more. She is sirely deluded.
Pick up grandchildren from school. thinks theyre his grandchildren. cant really be sure. L and S...thats right. Maybe theyre his niece and nephews? Or cousins. Dont know. Where are his parents? They wold know!! Where are his parents actually? He hasnt seen them for a few hours at elast. Arriives bacl at fakiliar yet odd lookiny youse. is this a holiday house? Maybe a hotel? Not sure. Asks daughter. She says he lives here. NO that ks INCORRECT! He does NOT l here ue is merely staying here. Asks wife where they will spend the night. She ssays here. Why here, why do wee alwwys cme tto this plxce? I hate this place! Its lke a pri son. I escape. Why doesnt anyone eer tell him anything? Informs them he if SICK and ttired iif being treated like the lmbecile in thr corner an demands, DEMANDS some respect. Wonders dhy wife is cross at him. HE is entiteld to be treated like a human n ot to be constantly ignored or plotted against. Wife is threatening to leave. Says qsje cannot take any more. Any more what? What is her problem, hes only asking a question! Jeez. Just like tmat arroganf doctor was asking him quetions so condescendingly. What year i s it? It 1970 of course! Whaf day? I dont know, whats lt to you? eYs I know my grandchildrens names but Im not telling YOU bossyboots doctor! If you dont like you cann stick it in your pipe and smoke it. Huh! I shwed her!
Where are his parents anyway?
Gets sick of those damn kids incessant noise and shuts self in separate room. Sulks. Wishes daughter and her annoying brats wouls go home.
Daughter is leaving. This makes him sad. Wh y is she leaving? When is he seeing her again. Two whole days?! Why cannot che be bothered visiting him sooner than that? Very sad lovely kids are gojng. Such a deqr boy and gigl. sI sad.
Later on, goeq to bed. Is this house? No it cannott be, he knows he lives somewhere ese. Maybe somewhere from s long time ago, h doesnt kniw. Where are his parents?
............
This man was once a PhD
physicist, wrote a thesis or 3 on metallurgy, led expeditions to tne South Poke, advisd Ministers and worked in aeronautical research in the USA, workedd with NASA. Nod he is a shell, a very shadpw of ihs former self. If the real man could sef himself noa, he would not wish himself here. He would not aish the sxdness and utter mental fa tigue his wive experiences every day. He does not remember the times he lashes out at his lovwd ones, verbally, and even these xays hpysically. He would not believe it.
Why is he here?
Because there are drugs, and they can be administered, so they shall be administered. No matter the cost. Either that, or the God in which he does still believe has a very twisted sense of humour.
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