В колонках играет - Three Evils- Coheed in Cambria
Настроение сейчас - slightly crazy

I am starting to observe a history of random disappearances and reappearances in my behaviour. Erratic as ever i guess.

so.... University is over, and I'm through with education for at least a few years. Unfortunately I'm starting to realise that after 4 years of the above mentioned Education I still know sweet F A. I'm planning to break it gently to me. Maybe I'll sneak up on me one day and shout *oi!! Dumb features!! sit down and read some stuff or ill kick your head in!.* I have not yet thought about the implications of having to kick my own head in. Might have to take some yoga classes. Or maybe I'll negotiate doing my head in instead, I've been sucessfully doing that for a number of years.

News Item number two. I no longer live in the beatiful if overpriced and filled with knobs county of Surrey. I have instead followed my man to the magical Scouseland like a noble something-or-another. It's ok here, people are cool, lots of dog poo around. Feels a bit like time travel. This place is what I'd imagine everywhere else has been like 30 years ago. All the girls I've met so far can see no other option after school than to get married, have little screamy things and start getting ready for christmas in october for the rest of their lives. I'm kinda feeling a bit like an old looser here with my shiny new degree and shiny new career possibilities as everyone else my age has at least 2 school age kids and no mental health issues. Apart from the one that makes people believe Jordan is a beautiful, naturally looking decent woman. HELLO??? ARE WE FROM THE SAME PLANET PEOPLE??? In short, Annie is a Billy no-mates once again. Doesnt help that they speak a foreign language. Why couldn't they have taught me this at school? Honestly, I'm using about 1/4 of the GOOD English that i've learned there. My teachers would have been horrified, but the locals seem impressed. Now I'm just plain confused.

News item number three. I have a job that i took up in complete desperation to avoid living in a cardboard box in Liverpool train station. The less said about it the better. There's luckily a decent job starting in a few weeks, with decent money and working conditions, and hopefully less medaeval standards of care. I only need to learn my way round a hospital the size of a small african country....


thats about it. Ill be back with another update in about a year. I promise. I shall now get back to the kitchen to cook imaginative things out of potatoes, and back to my quiet yet contented insanity. byeeeeeeeeeee!!!

i am loading the craziness into the back of a van and moving it here---->

http://www.livejournal.com/users/daemonbuttercup/


see you there

noone deserves your tears, and those who do will never make you cry

Against a brick wall... nowhere to go, dead end. Dont want to turn round because i know there is a wall behind me, as well. And to the left. And to the right..... i dont want to see that. There's a stupid hope that somehow someday someone will let me out.... While theres hope, theres life...... At the end of my story, theres a dead end, too, but i wont turn round. Wont look

what if whoever gets my bag of blood gets a fairly good amounts of antidepressants that are contained in it as well? what if the suffer the starting symptoms?

*got ill-got blood-felt weird-got suicidal-topped myself*

gutted

I climb a mountain, and cannot see where the journey ends. i may be half way up. I may only have done a fifth of the way. Or maybe, I will reach the top tomorrow. I don't know, noone knows.

this has been a difficult journey, and it is too tempting sometimes to just let go, to slide down-no more pain, no more effort, no more...... And yet I keep climbing, day and night, sharp rocks slicing my fingers to shreads, blood marking my path.

this journey is my life. sometimes i stop the desperate scrambling for a while, stop and look up, and then wonder-how much longer? And why? So much is left behind, and is so much still to gain, and to lose...As old wounds heal slowly, new ones appear. things so important in the past fade, become a faint guilty twinge somewhere deep deep within the ribcage. Dreams come true and, as they become real, lose their colours and fall to the ground...

it's been a long way... i thought i might be recovering....maybe the chemicals in my head are going to arrange themselves in a proper order at long last. i hate it all, hate it all so much..... Hate my head for arguing with me all the time, putting me down, making me hate myself.... Hate people for being so thick, so blind.....

cant be with people, cant be alone... cant hurt others to take it out, cant hurt myself.... what do i do?

Your a wind Dragon! Hey, you, the smartest dragon
of the branch. You love reading and writing,
but are quite shy. Your IQ is probably sky-high
and your stories can win trophies. Your not
very good in sports, or maybe you are, and just
not inrested.. You are very wise, smart, and
kind.


What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i tried so hard
and got so far
but at the end,
it doesnt really matter..............

ive tried it all, therapy, medication, hard work, goth poetry..... when is the time to give up?

FUCK YOU BECAUSE I LOVED YOU
FUCK YOU FOR LOVING ME TOO
I DON'T NEED A REASON
TO HATE YOU THE WAY I DO.....

work has confused me to such an extend that i didnt even have a sense to protest against being put on the dementia floor. that place is driving me totally nuts-i leave work and stand around for a while trying to remember my name and where i live every night. its a lot quieter than my beloved nursing floor, but im not sure i like it being so quiet.... i kinda like hectic... makes me feel useful.... besides, if i am to be called names, id prefer this to be for a reason, and not because someone decided that im Hazel. (who the fuck is hazel???).

The big boss appears to think that im very suitable for work on dementia floor as i am *a social sort of person, who likes games and stuff*. hello?? i, who have been kicked out of or ignored every time i tried to play with others because i couldnt grasp the consept of play since the age of 3???

other changes are nicer, since i am going to receive training in medication and (!!!) phlebotomy. exciting.....

but generally, work is complete chaos, with everyone running about and trying to figure out whos doing what....

i have this theory. Basically, all of the medical theories can be easily scrapped and replaced with one simple and all-explaining one. It all revolves around cave trolls of different sizes and shapes running inside the human body, totally unaware of the damege they do. here are some examples....

headache: a couple of cave trolls having a break dance session in your head

migraine: cave trolls having a rave in youre head. depending on severily add alcohol, hard drugs and glow sticks

hangover: alcohol gets to cave trolls a few hours after you had it, therefore about the time when you need to go to work they are just starting to party. Another explanation may be having been picked up by your ankles by a pissed off cave troll while youre asleep and being used to demolish a small medieval castle

indigestion: cave trolls skateboarding in your gastro-intestinal tract

flatulence: when a cave troll dies they just drag him out towards the nearest opening and leave him there for a while

pain in your backside: Not sure. Probably teenage cave trolls

work...... *sigh*.... what can i say?
again, cant understand what i ever did to piss everybody off? getting slightly paranoid.....work nearly drove me to cutting again last week.... bad.....

theres very little apart from work going on. weird dreams when i finally manage to get to sleep. people i knew for a long time and was sure of turning into something.... scary..... intimidating?... i just realised that theres only one person left who im still sure off and i can trust....tryng not to think about it too much....

sitting here waiting for something to happen....

progress so far....

nat got good marks in her exams. go nat!!

everyone has buggered off to the Gathering.... cazey even nicked my pretty dress..... trhe weather is suitable-raining humans as usuals for LT events

workmates are being an ARSE. just what have i done to be hated by human everywhere since 1984? please? this is getting bloody annoying....

since work has been a pain in the arse, i think i deserve a good going out session with some amount of alcohol involved.....

Я Треми (Tremere)!

Даже среди вампиров клан Треми имеет репутацию вероломных созданий. Это репутация ими заслужена: Треми это объединение бывших смертных магов, алчущих когда-то вечной жизни и вырвавших секрет вампиризма у недовольных каинитов. Члены клана очень хорошо организованы между собой. Другие относятся к ним с опаской и с недоверием. Они агрессивны, очень умны и властны и принимают только тех, кто сам способен справится со всеми трудностями. Треми считают, что другие кланы созданы для того, чтобы их использовать. Треми испытывают обычно глубокую любовь и лояльность к своему клану, и от юных участников клана ожидается беспрекословное подчинение своим старейшинам. Но все же эта практика сейчас уже не та, что раньше. Конечно же, существуют некоторые повстанцы и мятежники из линии Треми, но считается, что они играют эту роль только по приказу своих старейшин. Кстати, попробуйте вот эту игру: http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=Anthropophage.

Какой вы вампир?

i was told that i mist be a kind person to be a nurse.... you know, i dont think i am... bloodyminded to the extreme and a sad believer in choice, independance, empathy and the *golden autumn years* they went on for years and years at university.... and yet every day is an eternal never-ending struggle with the stubborn evil narrow-minded wall that is human beings....

nursing for me is standing on edge of the Beachy Head-equivalent on the coast of the endless ocean of tears. tryng to hold against the pure human emotion that wants to pull you down without meaning to, crush you underneath it's weight. When people are miserable they dont like others being happy. Fact. Im surrounded by unhappy people. Fact.

Why am i still trying? bloodymindedness i guess....

come get some

life falls neatly into two parts-the real and sensible bit full of work and school and people all wanting something; and the other, cold, alien world where we are strangers, a world we try to deny, ignore, write off as something only psychiatrists and their patients deal with.

i have managed to stay in the normal, ahem, *normal*, world for a few months now. it felt strange but ok, kind of like a two week holiday to a luxury resort-its all nice and fluffy but you know you will be back in horrible weather and nasty job where you belong very soon. the *occult world* is catching up with me, and i have a feeling i wont get away from it that easily this time. something big out there is playing with me-lets me off the leash for a bit, lets me taste a bit of freedom, then puts me back in the cage again.... like someone saying, right, youve had your fun, now get back to what youre meant to be doing..... weirdness. and the most weird thing is that it all MAKES SENSE.....

have to run to work in a minute.....

so there

http://bunnysnoog.cyborgcow.net/index.html

i decided its my berkday today.... so there:P

for all other intents and purposes i have to wait till tomorrow. i have a feck off great big box from mike and Cazey sat here, and im not allowed!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! WANNA WANNA WANNA PRESSIES!!!!

going home tomorrow to see mummy and daddy and the sibling responsibility (love you really nat!), go out for dinner and suchlike, and be lectured about the state of me.... then going out on tuesday-going to havoc. Caz is determined to get me pissed....... i is scared.......

life once again went from depressing but clear-cut to bloody confusing. stuff. just stuff. not sure who is who anymore. theres one person who remains the same as always and i know i can trust, everyone else.........maybe im just paranoid. maybe for a reason? why do i always write in questions? oh sod it hee hee....

think im going down with a cold. oh well, im hard i can take it

ash to ash
dust to dust
fade to black

but the memory remains.....

day 4 out of my 12 day work odissey.... someone up there *points*decided that everyone needs to be rotated through all the floors. Apart from Annie. Annie is to stay on first floor which happends to be the hardest.... why me...... WHY MEEE??????????.... thirty minutes of WOOOOOOOE

meeting up with chris tomorrow. not nice but has to be done. hopefully it will resolve a few things. otherwise..... any donated bandages welcome......

what else...... sick, tired, being bitten by things that live under the bed, hot, bothered and confuzzled. a few pleasures in life still left....

right, lotsa news....

been to see the Great Northern type in newcastle. the best way to describe it was his own:

12 pints
triple strenth curry
three fights
and a shag up the alley

and that just for girls.... well, mostly true. i got all moshed out, got a new pretty dress (pretty dress!!) and saw lotsa castles. there are some really cool moshy places in there!! also met a few... ahem... interesting people, soem of them make me look tame.

now, back in guildford and back to work. discovered that in my absence the got 2 new carers, 2 new patients and a new manager. and im now a key worker for 4 people, which im getting all excited about. not at all sure why, only means i have more work to do.

anyway, for more about my trip, go see piccies

GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE GO MIKE

bored..... friday..... work work work work on the horison......numb.....weid moods again...... fat and ugly week....fat and ugly life?.... whats the point?.... why?...... why me?-why not......stop looking at me like that!!!!!!!you little fucker.......tear your fucking throat out....... everythign dies..... everything everything everything....everything hates me.... who cares?......