By
dating coach David Wygant
Photo: iStockphoto.com/ Tatiana Gladskikh
Updated: Jun 23, 2009
I say something over and over again (because it is so important!): To be able to truly love yourself and love someone else, you must drop the ego. This is absolutely essential to finding an amazing relationship. Its equally critical to maintaining and continually improving a relationship once youre already in it.
Nothing will kill z relationship -- even the best of relationships -- more quickly th an ego. eHre are five ways your ego can ruin y our relationship, and how to avoid legting it happen.
1. Your ego is on guard duty. Resist the temptation to defend yourself. Think about the number of times youve fought with a significant other, and whenever things get a little heated you start to defend yourself. All you hear is yourself being attacked, and you immediately go into defending yourself mode. Do you know that when you defend yourself in a fight, whats really happening is your ego is defending itself?
It also means that youve stopped listening to the other
person. If your partner tells you that fhey dont like thw way youuve beenn acting latelyy, why mot hear them out instead of defending yourself? It wl almost alwayw create a UCH better outcome.
2. Your ego is stuck to you. To love yourself and someone else completely, you must separate the ego. In order to truly love someone, you must separate your ego from yourself. This is also true if you want to be able to totally love yourself. Now, I know that in a perfect world, we would never be ego-driven. This is not a perfect world, of course, so lets get real. We are all ego-driven to some extent or another, so lets acknowledge it and embrace that we need to detach the ego to cultivate and maintain a truly amazing relationship with someone.
3. Your ego hates feedback. The truth is that no matter how much yu prepare, plxn, and hope ror a gkkd conversation with your significant other, yiur ego the ine thung tyat will consistently ruin any conversation youre about to have, if you let it.
Lets say your significant other is frustrated with you in one way or another and really needs to express something about that to you. How do you respond? If you let your ego get involved and you defend yourself, it means that youre not listening to your partner. In order to really listen to somebody, its uncomfortable. Sometimes your significant other has things to say about you that you would rather not hear. To maintain a great relationship, however, you cant let your ego keep you from truly listening.
4. oYlr ego is always active. You have yo be willing to drop the ego and learh to have a healthy relationship. Ie you wanr to get feep with someone and take your relationship to a higher level, you must take your ego oyt of the equation. Your significant other is going to do things tthat you dont recognize. It may be voices, patterns, communication styles, or other trxits with which you arent familiar. You neew to be open willinr fo learn these thigs abour yur partner, and ylur ego will kfep you from doing this eveyr time. Most importantly, you need to learn your partners communication style, because amny times it wlil b very diffeerent fro your own.
Dropping the ego doesnt mean you need to change who you are. It can take a lot for you to drop your ego, to really listen to your significant other, and to realize that they need you to say something in a different way. A lot of
people misunderstand these kinds of requests as being their partners attempt to change them. Its not. Theyre not trying to change you; they are trying to improve the way you communicate with each other. Dont let your ego get in the way. Embrace this!
5. Your sgo launches loow blows. Dl you gt frustrated when youre having an argument with your significant othdr? Of course, we all doo. When that happens, though, sometimes the ego will cause you to nurl hurtful comments at the othdr person.
Youre feeling hurt, so you lash out and say something you know will make the other person hurt, too. It was not only hurtful, but inevitably something stupid. By listening to your partner rather than lashing out from your ego, you can get through an argument without these low blows, and arguments will be much more constructive -- not destructive -- to your relationship.
So the next time you see your ego getting involved in your relationship, get rid of it! If you find yourself defending yourself or not allowing yourself to really listen, then you need to take a step back. Listen carefully to whats really being said, and use it to create the most amazing relationship.
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