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Blonde in plane

Дневник

Пятница, 18 Апреля 2008 г. 01:32 + в цитатник
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward tothe last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flightattendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem.


The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.

The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section.


The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention,together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "Ijust told her that the first class section isn't going to New York".

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Surrogate Father

Дневник

Пятница, 15 Февраля 2008 г. 16:56 + в цитатник
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon.
"Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes,"the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??

Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

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Calories Lost During sex

Дневник

Пятница, 15 Февраля 2008 г. 16:04 + в цитатник
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories

Without her consent 2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands 8 Calories

With one hand 12 Calories

With your teeth 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection 6 Calories

Without an erection 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary 12 Calories

69 lying down 78 Calories

69 standing up 812 Calories

Wheelbarrow 216 Calories

Doggy Style 326 Calories

Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real 112 Calories

Fake 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories

Getting up immediately 36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:

20-29 years 36 Calories

30-39 years 80 Calories

40-49 years 124 Calories

50-59 years 1972 Calories

60-69 years 7,916 Calories

70 and over Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly 32 Calories

In a hurry 98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories With your wife knocking at the door

13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD Right now, as you read this, 69 Million people are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!

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The Boss

Дневник

Пятница, 15 Февраля 2008 г. 15:55 + в цитатник
When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all parts of the body, he should be boss.

The legs argued that since they took the man whereever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all of the food, he should be boss.

The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.

Then the asshole applied for the job.

The other parts of the body laughed that hard that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs went wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes crossed and were unable to see.

They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss.................Just an asshole.

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Suicide Bomber In Heaven?

Дневник

Пятница, 15 Февраля 2008 г. 15:42 + в цитатник
A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes.......................BOOM!!!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up.

After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'. 'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it.' With this he carries on climbing up the stairs.

After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard. 'Excuse me sir' he says 'Are you Mohammad?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammad is further up the stairs'. But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammad is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!'

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair. Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'

But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammad is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!'

You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'

'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you.'

The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of tea?'

'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you.'

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts.......................... 'Oi, Mohammad, two teas over here, and make it snappy!!'

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5 Day Weight Loss Programme

Дневник

Четверг, 14 Февраля 2008 г. 11:32 + в цитатник
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.' Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week.

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Joe's new suit

Дневник

Четверг, 14 Февраля 2008 г. 11:23 + в цитатник
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.


He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."


The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , "Let's see... size 44 long."


Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"


"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.


Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.


As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"


Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."


The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."


Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?


" Been in the business 60 years."


Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.


Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"


Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."


The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."


Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."


The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

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The Obedient Wife

Дневник

Четверг, 14 Февраля 2008 г. 10:59 + в цитатник
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I' m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account , and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Send this to every female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!!!

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Things To Say At Work When You're Stressed

Дневник

Среда, 13 Февраля 2008 г. 12:20 + в цитатник
"If assholes could fly, this place would be a freaking airport."

"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

"Earth is full. Go home."

"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

"Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."

"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"

"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

"This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting"

"Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

"Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing"

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Three Ducks in a Bar

Дневник

Среда, 13 Февраля 2008 г. 12:19 + в цитатник
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck

want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,

"Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What

else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

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Valentines day

Дневник

Среда, 13 Февраля 2008 г. 11:45 + в цитатник
The subliminal messages of love... your guide to eating out on Valentine's Day...
If SHE wants to sleep with him, then it's a date HE pays.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him and if SHE's a nice person who wants the "just friends" message to get through loud and clear SHE pays for herself and insists on it.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him and if SHE's a nice person but HE's rich HE pays but SHE offers.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him, SHE's not a nice person, and HE's rich HE pays.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him, SHE's not a nice person, and HE's not rich HE pays.

If HE pays but SHE doesn't want to seem like a freeloader SHE offers to help, HE refuses, SHE says she'll get the drinks or coffee later.

If HE's cheap HE asks her to split the bill.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not a nice person, and they're going to a good place SHE feigns indifference to the financial catastrophe that awaits him. HE pays.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's a nice person, and they're going to a good place SHE slips him the money before they get to the restaurant.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's nice, and they're going to a cheap place SHE pays.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not nice, and they're going to a cheap place SHE suddenly realizes that SHE has to stay home and wash her hair...forever.

If SHE asked him out, it's his birthday, and they're in love SHE pays.

If SHE asked him out but HE knows what's good for him SHE starts to pay, HE protests, SHE gives in.

If HE's a guy with any interest in seeing her again HE pays.

...and finally...

If HE asked her out and SHE protests, but HE insists; they go to a romantic but expensive restaurant where he has ordered the best of everything and even the gypsy violinists; then on the way home SHE develops a headache... they're married

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Story Time For Girls

Дневник

Вторник, 12 Февраля 2008 г. 13:44 + в цитатник
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? Who's bed???..and Who the hell are you???

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