based on an interview that was taken in New York City Hospital on 3/6/2011
fragment of a draft written for a screen play
She was lying on hospital bed with her eyes tightly closed. Rays of tired autumn sun slowly moved over her face with its unsual shades of red. Sundown over Hudson River was caressing her motionless body through the thick hospital windows and one could of think, that she is dead by now.
She was lying on hospital bed. Her eyes were closed.
-All I want, is for all of you, to leave .Leave me alone,-she thought in her mind as her lips, chest ,arms and legs and the entire body was burning with decease that were killing her with persistent confidence.-Oh, God! F..k you! You took everything from me! Everything and everyone that was dear to my heart! Can’t you have some pity for me today! Can’t you ,do for once right by me?.Oh, God, make them leave! Now ,this very moment!!!Oh, please,-she was screaming in her heart hoping for a miracle.
She was lying on hospital bed without any movement, pretending she was asleep.
-Well, it seems as she fell asleep,-she heard Allen’s voice.-Let’s go everybody. Let her rest. As they were trying to leave without making any noises, she overheard Gloria’s words,-will she make it through today?
And then, came a complete silence. Finally, she was all alone. She was laughing and rejoicing inside. At least she had her way now. Her way, in these short moments, before death. And she knew that her way had nothing to do with God.
Now, as she was lying on hospital bed and everyone left the room, now she was able to think about..About what? What did she want to think about?
-What did I want to think about? About him.I am dying and I am lying on this stinking hospital bed and instead of doing something for myself all my thought heading towards him.Oh ,God!Forget God!!.It’ s just an expression!!!..F..k God!!!
-I f..k you God, you hear me? Just as you f….d up my life. I say- go to hell !!! Can you hear me? You, God Almighty, can you hear my words of disparage for you!?
She opens her eyes. Through the window she can see the sundown in the mountains. She had regrets about past. Does anyone in my conditions wouldn’t have regrets? But all the regrets long ago were cried out through the endless lonely nights leaving hollow enormous crater in the heart.
Past. How very little good was in the past!,-thoughts were flouting in her mind. How cruel was the reality of the past. How this very past, constantly reminded her that this or that moment could have been different only if she..What? What could I or should I have done differently? What were my choices?-again thoughts, as late autumn leaves were falling through mind and soul. Did I have an opportunity to be someone I was never born? Did I have a chance to love others less and love more of myself? That’s a laugh! One, needs more then one life for this type of an achievement!
The hospital room filled with evening dusk. How difficult to keep eyes open,-she thought realizing that her body is giving up the fight against disease.
- It is true love. It has to be, if now, when I have ,maybe only a few hours of existence on this earth, I am thinking of him. I am in love before death, before I have to depart from this world.
She laugh aloud.
-What is it all about? Is it about happiness? What is happiness? Just as the perception of truth and sincerity falls into the individual interpretations, happiness as well ,only a personal feeling of our own understanding of the word.
When were you happiest the most? When you were with him. When your thoughts were next to him. When you felt you were not indifferent to him,and even now,when he doesn’t know that you are dying, you still thinking you are happy with thoughts of him . Your last breath will be taken away,while he may be laughing or carrying a casual conversation with someone,or sleeping or kissing his lover..or maybe he’ll be sitting all alone in the dark and smoke cigarette after cigarette and maybe, just maybe, he’ll be thinking of you..
-What is it all about?..well,-she felt sudden chill .Pulling blanket all away up to her chin, she curled under it as a little girl. Tears, sudden and silent, unexpectedly ran on her cheeks and lips.
-I knew I am going to die all alone and I knew that it is not the worth thing that can happen to a human. No, the worth thing is never to be able to love. But worth of all, is not even once to have experience love that is so mutual that everything else lacks colors,lacks meanings,lacks reasoning.Yes,the worth thing of all is not to be loved.
At the end of the day*,it is all about love.In whatever form ,shape,content it may appear to us.Sometimes through hate, disbelief, cruelty of passion, tears of joy,and in the moments of despair, in realization of the permanent loss and in colors on life’s canvas,in it’s rhymes and fragments of light that is almost invisible.
At the end of the day, it is about moments of life when you feel that you have it all. That everything you need is right under your fingertips. Moments , when all that is matter is these single moments, tiny puzzles when your personal world falls into place.All the losses,all the pain,all the complicated and unfair situations you went through, all shattered hopes and dreams , all sank into the truth of the moment. I wished I had more of those moments. Of course I have regrets,but I also have this feeling of completion .On no!don’t get me wrong ..it is not complete satisfaction with reality,no!But feeling of completion in regard to the things I have learned,things that was hard to learn.Am I scared?Yes.I am scared.I am scared that I will fall asleep forever without touching your hands.I am scared that I will fall asleep forever and you ‘ll forget me.I am scared that I will fall asleep forever without telling you in person how much I love you.
At the end of the day, it is all about love .Love as if through the lances of camera, that catches all the faults without any kindness. Through screams and laughs, mimics of joy and hate and sudden passionate kisses, through meaningless chaos of life’s rhythms.
At the end of the day it is all about realization that world tomorrow, when you, no longer will be here, the world will continue to rotate just as it was rotating the day before. At the end of the day no matter how painful this realization, at the end of the day it is all about realization that you finally got it-it’s about love.Always was, is and always will be, about love.
*an american expression often used in conversational speech , when one is trying to express that in a particular moment everything else has been taken into consideration.